RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Dating Rollar Coaster

I am in my first relationship since I broke up with my very abusive ex, and things are getting serious now.

Am I happy? No.

I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster, it seemed liek it would be a lot of fun, but now that I'm at the peak of the hill, about to go down, I want off the ride.

It's too scary, and I change my mind now, but I can't get off.

How horrible a person am I?

Hello 428pm

You are not horrible. When you have been through something before, and the memory is a bad one, that bad memory can somehow be revived by following a similar pattern again.

You were in a relationship. It seemed right. It went wrong.

You are in a new relationship. It seems right. You fear that it is wrong, or may go wrong.

I think that this is normal.

You need to be very patient with yourself and take things slowly.

To return to the roller coaster metaphor ~ what would you do, if you visited a theme park, went on a roller coaster, and it upset and frightened you?

You could do one of three things.
~ Keep going on that ride until you got used to it and it no longer frightened you.
~ Never go on the ride again, just in case it always made you feel upset.
~ Give yourself a break, by going on lesser rides, or visiting sideshows, until you had calmed down, and then try it again.

So now, you can bring these options to your own life and say:
~ I'm not going to let my ex ruin my life; I am going to put that in the past and enjoy myself with my new man.
~ I'm never going to trust a man again, or love a man again, or enjoy myself with a man again ~ just in case he turns out to be as bad as my ex.
~ I know that there are both good and bad men out there. I'm going to move slowly this time, to make sure I don't make the same mistake again, but I am going to hope and trust that this man will be different, and that we can slowly but surely build up a strong, loving and trusting relationship.

Which is it to be?

Relationship counselling might help.

Good luck.

Nothing I could add to the spectacularly great advice above... I would just like to underline the idea of taking your time & proceeding slowly.

very good advice.

lol, what would I do at an actual rollar coaster? NEVER go on them again. I hate them, lol.

But seriously, with my bf...Well, I get neasious(sp?) when he kisses me, I hate hugging...It make sme feel unsafe, even though logically I know he won;t hurt me.

I feel like I've jumped to high, and I can't get back to the ground. I hate it. I'm starting to wonder if it's worth it.

My bf says he doesn't care, he is patient, understands and gets mad more at my ex than me. He does want me to seek counselling at the church though.

I don't know, I suppose that has a lot to do with what I did a little while ago.

I am talking about here, because, well there is some degree of anonymity online eh? and in person talking to the pastor well...I don't really want to.

I listen to women talk about their experiences and then convert them into legalese for a living, but that is a cold and numbing experience. It's much different than sharing your own experiences with someone.

when you share you have to relive it. If something is ugly enough, you want to stuff it back and hide from it and run a million miles away. That doesn't work though, because if it is ugly enough it eats away at you from the inside out. You may not know it is doing damage until you try to escape into yourself or try to escape from life. It is really hard to get over violent traumatic things because you suffer a post traumatic stress. It is really hard to learn to trust again. Not putting yourself in a stressful situation and just taking it slow until trust returns is good. If you have a good man, it does the trust will return. Dealing with the pain is the other thing that has to be done. Not by someone religious necessarily. Someone who is a good shrink. Talk, and talk and talk until you have talked about all of the pain. Let it out and let it go until there isn't anymore left inside. Talk and cry and let someone validate your feelings until you don't have anymore to say. Your not a bad person. Bad things happened to you that should not have happened and if you don't keep it inside and you let a relationship happen slowly and naturally without the pressure of more than you can handle faster than you can handle it then you will learn to trust again. You will learn to trust others and yourself. It happened for me, I believe it can happen for you.

Yes, I hate them too ~ or, rather, I hate the extreme ones.
So we can still use the analogy.

If the extreme roller coasters frighten you, and make you feel ill, as they do me, then does that mean that you never go to the fair or theme park again, or does it mean that you avoid anything unpleasant, and try the lesser but more enjoyable rides, like the gentler roller coasters?

Some roller coasters, like some men, are just too rough; while other roller coasters, like other men, are great fun, but more gentle, and less frightening


It could be a control thing.
Did you feel out of control with your ex?
Have you ensured that since then you have been in total control of your life so that no man could hurt you again?
It can be frightening to let down your guard ~ especially if you have been hurt before.

That's sad, because hugging should be reassuring, not frightening.
I think that if you went for counselling about this they would say don't go too far, too fast.
Consider what you can do without feeling afraid.
Sitting together chatting?
Holding hands?
Arms around shoulders?
A peck on the cheek?
Stroking arms?
A kiss on the lips ~ not French kissing?
And so on.

When you know what you can do without feeling nausea or fear ~ tell your boyfriend and don't go any further until you feel ready. He will have to be patient, but better that than causing upset. You will know when you are ready for the next step.


He sounds great.
Personally, based on things that have happened to friends, I'd go with a counsellor who wasn't connected to your church.


I don't know why that happened, but you must have been feeling very stressed.


I can certainly understand that.
We are here!


Totally different. Personal emotions are nowhere near as involved.

I agree with Jo entirely.


I agree entirely.
However, I understand that there are there are two schools of thought on this.

One encourages you to face your fears so that you can deal with them.
The other says that something bad has happened, but that was in the past, so leave it there, and accept that it is over and should not be troubling you in the present.
Don't dig up the past ~ let sleeping dogs lie.

I suppose that it depends on the person involved, but, either way, it involves acknowleding past unpleasantness and agreeing to stop allowing it to hurt you.

I think I really am going to go back into counselling. This stuff is getting a bit overwhelming. When my bf hugs me, all I can think of is how it feels to have strong hands squeezing tight around my neck, or the feeling (and sound) of steeltoes cracking my ribs. When he kisses me on the cheek, I remember what it feels like to have bruises on my cheekbones.

That can't be normal.

And it's making it hard to even enjoy life. I feel like I will never know love again, and I feel guilty for thinking those things. I think people (especially my son, and bf) would be better off without me.

That is post traumatic stress. I suffered the same stuff after my father hit me three times in an argument. I would drift off and relive the fight in my mind when I was doing orinary stuff. I avoided contact with my father until the immediate stress of the fight faded in my memory. Other things that were ugly that happened because of my father's temper when I was younger and throughout my life started coming back when I was 42 and I had no control over the grief and anger. They say that sometimes that happens. You can be going along and somewhere around midlife ugliness that was abusive starts to come back to haunt you. That is when you have to deal with it. It isn't a matter of saying that it happened and accepting it and moving on. Your subconscience has a different idea. It is far better to face it on your terms than to let it eat at you. You are experienceing something that won't go away on it's own. Your family would not be better off without you. YOU will be better off without the feelings those memories give you. Your family loves and needs you and eventually those feelings will fade if you deal with them and get the help of someone you can talk to that is a professional trained in Post traumatic stress. Don't let that brute rob you of the rest of your life by causing you to relive the abuse. He has taken too much of your peace of mind already. Don't let him brutalize you anymore. Please find someone who will listen and let you talk about all of the ugliness. I know you don't want to but you have to get it out of your head and heart and wash it out of your soul. I talked and cried until I didn't have anything that I hadn't said a dozen times. I talked about every slap and every nasty mean word. I talked about every beating I watched my father give my mother. I talked about loosing my hearing from a slap to my head for weeks. I talked about the guilt of hateing and loving the same person. I talked about not knowing it was abuse until years later. I talked about being forced to accept appologies before I felt forgiveness in my heart, just to keep the peace. I can tell you that it did work. The nightmares that had begun stopped. The anger subsided and the ugliness didn't touch my life daily. I had not lived with my father for years. All it took was hearing him yell at me to trigger all of the pain I had been storing up and pushing back for over thirty five years. It will hurt while you are doing it, but with help from a professional who is trained in post traumatic disorder, it will get better.

Please don't think like that. Your son loves and needs you.
Your boyfriend wouldn't be your boyfriend if he didn't want you in his life.

It seems to me that you are suffering from stress, anxiety and depression.

Please get help, from someone who really knows what s/he is doing.

You can get over this ~ you just need some support.

Well said PDM!

I do agree.
And it can be anything negative that has affected someone in the past & that is still hauinting them. Sometimes it isn't even an obviously serious matter, but it is just something frightening and / or negative that has lodged itself in the brain and needs to be faced ~ with help & support.

I mentioned the idea of acknowledging and 'forgetting' because this was something that I heard in a discussion on the radio recently. I don't think that it would work for me, but, apparently, it does for some people.

I think that something that might help is trying to fathom the person who has done the harm.

It is assumed in society that fathers will protect their daughters and that husbands will protect their wives.
When they do the complete opposite, it is very difficult for society to understand ~ so for the victim to understand it must be well nigh impossible, I should imagine.

However, if we look at the behaviour of strangers, we know, from the news etc, that there are lots of unpleasant people out there. There are people who just seem to have been born nasty, and there are people who come from such unstable homes that it is not surprising that they turn out unpleasant.

These unpleasant or unfortunate children grow up ~ and adults, even husbands and fathers, are just grown-up children ~ and they somehow find partners and have children.

They have never really known how to be decent people, so they are nasty and negative to their wives and children. Sadly the wives and children then have to suffer, because of some aberration when the child was born, or because the child was not loved by its own parents.

Fathers & husbands are just people, and people are not always nice. Letting this ruin ones life is a sad waste. Better, if you can I think, to face the wrongs, acknowledge then, beat them ~ with help ~ and accept that the cruel adult had probably been a bullying child ~ and may even have been bullied himself.

What do you think?

I tried counselling before, last year when I first left the marraige. But we ended up not talking most of the time either because I have very little support, and always had to take my 2 yr old along with me, or because it's just too hard to tell someone the stuff I allowed to be done. The stuff I put up with, and stuck around for. It's embarrassing, and it's horrible to have to say it all outloud and have other people judge you for it. Much easier to just ignore it, and let it fade. So I stopped going.

The counsellor I had, really wasn't much help anyhow. She talked about herself alot, and I felt really uncomfortable with her. I don't know....I don't really know if I can even do it again, because childcare is still an issue, and it's not like I can take my son to hear those things.

He was 15 months old when we left, and when we left the ETF (In USA it's called SWAT) had to be called, because my ex beat me up, took my son hostage and threatened to set the apt on fire with us all inside. My son didn't see his dad for over 6 months after that, and was afraid of everything. He doesn't seem to remember anything of that time now. He is just a reggular little boy. I want him to stay that way, I don't want him tainted like me.

428pm

Thankfully, I have never had to go through anything so awful, but, as I said, it can be seemingly unimportant things that can get to you ~ and comparitively trivial things which can trigger stress. I have suffered with stress and depression and I have spoken to counsellors. I was referred by a doctor to one, who was good. My teacher trainer happened to be a counsellor, as did my reflexologist. One was very helpful; the other made me feel worse.

Both of my sons have been referred to educational psychologists. They were not coping with school for completely different reasons. One was being stressed out by a very unpleasant headmaster; the other suffered post traumatic stress after a road accident.

The first saw a lady who was supportive and helpful. The second saw a man who caused our family many problems. In fact, it was me he insisted on seeing most, and his 'treatment' was terrible. My GP agreed that he was doing more harm than good.

The point is, it depends on the person you see and the person you are. There are good and bad in all professions ~ including counsellors!

As part of my adult education course, I had to study counselling for a while ~ only the basics ~ I found it most enlightening & and helpful.

Don't give up!

I agree totally with PDM. I had a really dud of a counselor for family issues who fell asleep during our session. He also asked how old my son was just because he cuddled me. Inferring he was a little too old for that. Hang in there and try to search out the right person for you. There are plenty of women's organizations for battered women that have volunteers that would be happy to help with care for you little boy. I know that you feel badly about the decisions you made. My post to you made some things come up in my mind that caused me to have a painful realization this morning upon wakeing. I recalled saying to my mother, "I better not see him hit you again". I didn't have to see it, I saw the pain in her eyes and the swollen cheek. I suddenly felt so badly that I didn't go to him and defend her that moment. We can't go back though. You have guilt over decisions you made under the most difficult of situations. You know you would have done differently, if you could have chosen without all the rest of the things that come into play. Dealing with the pain and ugliness will help you forgive yourself. It is so evident that you have not forgiven yourself. There are thousands of women that have made decisions because they loved someone who was not worthy of that love. It is so hard to know when to walk away or stay and salvage a life. The problem is it gets bad then worse then the worst in a blink or so slowly that we are neck deep and it is too late. You are not perfect and you are not alone in how you feel. You are not worse than the rest of us. You are not as bad as the opinion you have of yourself. Like PDM said, most of the people who do violence were abused themselves or the victims at one time. We decide to love them and the part we love seems worth saving. The trouble is sometimes they are too damaged and we have to walk away. My Dad was just such a person. He loved us so much he would die for us. Some things triggered impatience and anger and when that would happen he lost control. He was so sorry, but you couldn't take it back. How do you throw away a person for that? My mother stayed with him because she loved the good side. She suffered for the angry side and so did we. You are not alone in that horrible dilemma. There is someone out there that can help you see that and "validate" your feelings and all you went through. That validation will guide you to forgive and accept what you cannot get past now. Some people are able to accept that something happened and go forward without dealing with it. I truly believe that as PDM said, a small thing can happen and trigger a flood that comes back. It might not be for twenty years or it could be next month for those people. In your case, you have not been able to stuff it back, because it is just too traumatic for you. I really believe in my heart you need to find that person. Please let us help you do that. Talk to us in the meanwhile, but don't give up on the idea. Your too precious to your little boy. You are why he is healing so well. That is a wonderful accomplishment.

Absolutely!

Your little boy needs you, 428pm.
He needs the security of having his Mum there for him.

Thanks so much. Both of you guys.... You both have a didfferent way of looking at things than I do, which is good. My son is the main drive in my life, I feel like he is my soul. I feel terrible for what I did, trying to leave him like that. I don't know why I did it, well I mean, I know...But it was a momentary lapse of judgement and I feel awful. I'm glad I didn't succeed. I am glad my sister is staying with us now, to you know...Keep an eye on me.

It's mostly the stuff with my relationship I struggle with.

Everything he does I'm suspicous of, and compare to my ex's past actions/reactions. When he says something, or asks me something, before I answer I think, why is he asking that, what does he want from me? What will his reaction be to the answer? I am constantly questioning his motives. He is a really sweet guy and goes out of his way to try and please me, and all I can think is, why is he being so nice, be careful steff, something's afoot, he's manipulating you somehow.

He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how much he likes me, what a great mom I am....I wish he woudl stop, cuz I don't know what I'm supposed to say, and I feel awkward. No one has ever said that stuff to me before, what am I supposed to say? Why doesn't he stop it?

Whenever he tells me stuff, I think, is that true? Is he lying? My ex was a pathological liar, and I keep thinking, is he lying to manipulate you? He's trying to be what he thinks you want, to draw you in.

Like today, he came to my house, he was driving to a client's earlier this week and saw a completely pink house. The roof was pink, the sides, the fence around the yard even! He drove all the way to my town, from the city (about an hour), to pick me up and drive me there just so I could see it, cuz he knows I love everything and anything that is pink.

While we were in the car he suddenly reached over my head because the seatbelt had twisted up where it feeds out. I flinched so hard, my whole body jerked. His hand stopped in mid air and he looked, well. Crushed. Irritated, stunned.

I like this guy but....I don't know what to do anymore. I am thinking of breaking this whole thing off, and giving up on dating altogether. It's not fair to this guy. And, I am just like....I don't know damaged goods....

Hi again

None of us can ever be sure that someone won't hurt us.
Anything could happen at any time which could result in any one of us being hurt.

Lightning strike.
Bus out of control.
Nutcase with a gun.
The list is endless, isn't it?


My son keeps telling me about the number of vending machine related deaths there are every year!

And there are bad people out there.
Bad people who will con us and hurt us.

I'm not trying to be negative, I'm just stating the obvious ~ there are bad people who do hurt people; there are freak accidents, which will hurt people.

What are we supposed to do?

428pm, you are now in the same position as a lot of other women ~ you are at the beginning of a relationship.
How can any woman know, for sure, that she hasn't made a bad choice?
No-one can.

You made a mistake last time ~ but probably you saw what so many of us see ~ the good side of a person, whose bad side was very bad. That is a positive aspect of your character ~ not a negative one, in spite of what happened. You are being careful not to make another mistake. It seems to me that, this time, you are trying to protect yourself by doing the opposite of what you did before.
Perfectly understandable, in my opinion.

I feel that you need to give yourself and him a chance.
However, I know that people telling you what they think you should do is not going to help. It may even make you feel more stressed.

You are the only person who can work out what you can cope with and when.

Only you can make the decisions.

But perhaps you could think of this man as your protector?
He sounds very patient and very caring ~ but I don't know him.

You know him.
Do you have any reason to think that he may not be as nice as he seems?
Do you know his family and friends?
Does everyone speak well of him?

Take it slowly and, hopefully, the trust will grow, and he will turn out to be a good man.

I think that your responses are the same as they would be for most of us, if we were in your position.

Good luck and take care.

Noone can tell you what to do. I can only share my perpective. I will try to be as objective as possible. He obviously loves you very much from what you are saying. Actions speak louder than words and he is also using words. It sounds like he is trying to repair some of the damage by reflecting how he truly sees you. Of course you feel guilty, because you feel like you are short changing him. He doesn't seem to feel that way, and perhaps expressing these feeling you are having about not being able to respond, as you think you should, would give him a chance to reassure you that he doesn't feel cheated. After all, when you are with your son, you love him so much that he doesn't have to do or be anything to make you feel contented. It may very well be that this man is exactly as he seems and truly cares and is just what the doctor ordered. Even in the best of circumstances compliments make a person feel uncomfortable and a little awkward. I never know what to say when things like this are said to me. Backing away because you feel uncomfortable or suspicious doesn't seem like a good reason to pass up love and affection when it is offered to you as he seems to be doing. If he looked puzzled or hurt when you flinched, it is only because he needs to understand. Understanding starts with communicating. You don't have to tell him every detail. Start with opening up about some of the trust issues in general terms or explaining about why you flinched. If he knows that it has nothing to do with him and that you have a long road back to learn how to trust then it sounds like he is the kind of guy that will make the effort. You have been through a lot that damaged your normal abilities to cope. That does not mean that you are damaged beyond repair and deserve to give up on yourself. Let him be the judge of that. Trust is very tricky, it is exactly like your little keets. It is not going to happen immediately or next week. Time after time of the same thing happening and only good loving things occuring, your little keets will trust you even when you handle them and they screech for no reason. They will come out of your hand and pop back on your shoulder because they have learned to trust that you are not going to hurt them. You simply have to learn that this man will not hurt you. You need to simply learn that he will not lie to you or manipulate you either. That takes repeated experiences with him. Even if you started trusting in general tomorrow, you would still have to learn if this man is loving, gentle, honest and sincere. That is what you are investing in him for what he is investing in you. You may not believe it right now, but LOVE is what you need. Gentle, kind, considerate, trustful, sincere, constant and unwavering love. You need to believe that it really is out there and that it is out there for you. The reason I know this is that you mention it in almost all of your posts. The other reason I know it is that it is what heals all injured hearts.
I will share with you that I didn't trust any man, nor did I respect any or want to rely on any man, when I met my husband. I gave him trouble and rejected him and let him know how I felt about men and one night I even ran from him. He chased me down, gently put me a car and he took care of me and stuck with me. He stayed when others would have left. He helped when others weren't there. He listened to me when I cried. I finally came to realize that he loved me the way I always thought a person should be loved. I finally learned to trust and respect a man again. Maybe it was only one man, but that is all I need. It took a long time, but he helped my heart heal. He took what was essentially a wounded human being and showed me what a real man was supposed to act like. It took me a long time to find him and he saved my life. Maybe it won't take you as long as it took me. The important thing is that you don't give up on yourself. The important thing is your healing process. If trusting again is an issue, which it is, running from trust will not accomplish this. If you are honest with him and communicate and he "sticks" then maybe you have already found a real man that can treat you like you deserve.

I have thought of something else.

Your son loves and needs you.
He needs you more than he needs anyone else in the world.

I think, though, that he also needs to learn that men are not all to be feared, mistrusted and hated; that there are caring men, who protect women and children.

He probably needs this reassurance as much as you do, 428pm, as he is going to grow into a man, himself.

If he grows up thinking that men cannot be trusted, because so many of them are evil and cruel, then that could be very unhealthy for him, I think.