RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up We broke up last month, he says still has feelings

We were together for almost 2 years and I decided to end our relationship just last month. He’s a nice guy, 9 years older than I am (24) and very respectful to me. However, he’s not as caring as I expect from a boyfriend. We can have lots of fun, joke around & enjoy each other’s company – but deep inside, I feel like there’s a major lack of emotional connection between us. Our conversation usually revolves around things like my work, his work, my day, his day, what we ate, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem talking about these stuff at all, but I need more than that. Sometimes, I feel extremely down & I need to talk to him about my feelings, my perspective about a certain thing in life like family, friend...but I felt like it just couldn’t click between us, he listens, but yet – will act like I never told him about those stuff the next day. Never asks again how I feel, if I’m still sad,etc. He says he cares a lot about me, but seriously I do not understand his way of caring. He says more than he does – and sometimes, he doesn’t even care to ask like I mentioned above. Throughout our relationship, I broke up with him a few times but we always found our ways back to each other. Mainly from his side, getting all emotional (yes, crying), constantly called me & showed up at my work begging me to get back with him. Things would still be the same & I started to think that this is probably how he is. I was getting down very often (about many things, not just our relationship) & became very stressful since I could not talk to him about it. Not that I didn’t want to, but I knew that he could not understand just like when I talked to him many times before. I became so frustrated, and mean to him. It was bad that at some point my words were very abusive. I know he was sad, but never mentioned anything about it. It was getting worse so I decided to end it, just a day before his B-Day. I wrote a letter, telling him everything about how I feel & told him to cut all contact with me from now on. We met up twice after that. He never replied my mail or said anything about it in person. He tried text messaging & calling me for about a week - and yet, never mentioned anything about our situation, just random stuff. I never replied & he stopped contacting entirely since last month. On my B-day (Memorial Day), he sent me a text message early morning wishing me a happy B-Day. It was very surprise & touching. I texted back to thank him & he didn't reply back. Yesterday, I came back to work and there it was – a beautiful fruit bouquet delivered to me, signed by him with love “thinking about me & a belated happy birthday”. I called to thank him after work, he didn’t pick up so I left him a text message. He texted me back 1/2 hr. later saying he was gonna have it delivered on my birthday but not sure if I was working. He then told me that he still has the same feelings for me & that I’m the only one he cares about. I just feel so stuck right now & not sure what I should do. I’ve been extremely depressed over our break up, but I don’t know whether it’s a good idea to get back with him. I still think about him & care for him a lot..but..Sorry for such a long post but any thought would be greatly appreciated now. Thank you for reading my post to this far!!!

You can care very deeply about somebody and still not be right for each other.

You are not responsible for giving him what he wants at the expense of what you want or need.

Loneliness is hard, but there are worse things than being alone.

Some things to think about:
You feel that something is missing (has always been missing?) from this relationship. Is it something you need? Are you hoping for something that's reasonable to request? If you do really need it, is it something he might be able to provide? Have you made it clear what you need that you haven't been getting? (Most men are very bad at hints!)

If the thing that's missing is something you've asked him for before, and he has still not given it to you, is it reasonable to keep hoping he will someday? Or would you be asking for a fundamental change that he can't make? (People are who they are.)

If you have a good imagination, how about this: Imagine what it would be like to be married to him, raise kids together (if you want them), and grow old together. Not some idealized version of him, but the real guy you know.

If you cannot see it working out for the long term, then you would do no kindness to either of you by postponing the inevitable.

Thank you Faith says hi, you made very good points about our situation.

Yes, I always feel it's missing (emotional connection) between us. This is one of the most important aspects for me in a relationship & I've talked to him about it many times before. I guess we initially got together for the wrong reason (loneliness) and just been dragging our relationship until this day.

I know the deeper we go on with this relationship, the harder it will be for us to face with the reality later on. Sometimes, I just let my loneliness & depression take the total control on me...

Hi lagirl143

Just a few thoughts from me.

I think that the important thing to do, here, is ask yourself, honestly, if you are in love with him.

It sounds as if there is 'something' between you, and you can't communicate it for some reason.

But what is it?

Friendship?
Companionship?
Affection?
Love?

Do you feel that you are better off and happier without him?

If so, then it's probably not fair on either of you to pursue this relationship.

On the other hand, it may be that you do love each other, but are just unable to communicate your feelings easily.

Is it worth going for relationship counselling do you think?

Or is it really over?

If it's over, be gentle but honest with him.

There are some books that I have found invaluable, when communicating with men ~ the 'Venus & Mars' books by Grey ~ and other similar titles. Male and female brains do seem to have a tendency to work differently. Understanding the differences and how to work with them can make communication clearer and relationships work better.

Good luck.

Hi PDM, thank you for your response.

Honestly, I don't think there's real love from the both of us. We both like each other & enjoy each other's company. I still point out so many flaws about him & I could not imagine ourselves being together in the future. So I would say it's best labeled as companionship.

I was very unhappy when I was with him, but I am also very sad that we are no longer together anymore!!!

Since the past few days, his actions have been very confusing & it makes me so frustrated. As I've mentioned, suddenly he sent me the B-Day gift & a sweet text message after giving up contacting me for a month. I really thought everything was over between us. I texted him back, saying that it's not a good idea to get back together, but we can be friends. He then asked if I mean...friends of benefits. FOB was a joke from me before over something, but we both understand clearly that it is definitely not the lifestyle for neither of us - EVER. It's quite funny to hear from him...but I was very disappointed that he chose to joke it at this time. I said something funny back (clean one), he replied back with...something else & then I just decided to drop the whole thing.

I called him this morning & told him that I don't understand his actions. He called back, leaving a long message askin how everything is, school, work, etc. but never addressed anything about my message earlier. He told me to call back after work if I can. I did & he didn't pick up so I left a message. Later, I checked his...T-mobile account online (he asked me to create for him when we were together - it's inappropriate now I know) & he did check his voice mail right after I called...

Sorry for rambling again but it's really driving insane here...Is he trying to play games with me or something?

Oh and thank you for your recommendation about that book by Grey. I'll definitely get it, been hearing about it for so long!!!

When I read your first post you said he listens.....Listens? Wow a guy that listens is very rare. It sounds like you have expectations of some kind that you don't see in your relationship. Sometimes our unhappiness with what we have whether it be a relationship or a job is made worse by mild depression. We are not able to see that depression may be causing the unhappiness with our life because the two are so entertwined. It is hard to say which came first. If you are looking to your friend to somehow give you the answer to what is missing, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try evaluating him for what he gives you and not what he does not give you. No relationship is perfect. Many relationships have the intense passion of burning love and lack the simple pleasure of companionship. Since you seem to be unhappy whether you are with him or without him, perhaps the answers lie within yourself. They say that when we can be content to be with ourselves then we can be more content with someone else. He obviously cares but perhaps he wants the decision to be yours and does not want to pressure you. His question about what kind of a friend he would be sounds like someone wants to know exactly what you mean by friends. If you remain platonic for a while, perhaps you will be able to evaluate the relationship without the pressures of intimacy. Intimacy always clouds the issues and makes it hard to determine if you really love someone for the right reasons. Both of the books that PDM mentioned would be extremely helpful.

Thank you Joandboys, you pointed out a great point there that I sometimes tend to forget to realize... I literally grew up with some sort of depression so it’s been having a great impact on my life. As I get older, it’s getting a lot harder – and the more depressed I am, the more I yearn for someone who could understand me and share my feelings with. I realize that happiness lies within oneself, and it is impossible to find it from someone/something else other than yourself. Unfortunately, this is the one thing that I have not been able to achieve. Therefore, I tend to end up being in one relationship after another (non-casual), but that always disappointed me more in the end because no one could measure up to my standards. I guess this is a good time for me to have some quite time alone, contemplate more realistically what I really want in life and what is important to me.

I'm glad that Jo has helped you to recognise this.

I'll just add that I have suffered with depression. The worst bout was post-natal depression, after my first child was born. It was very bad and it lasted a long time.

Now, I know that it was horrific for me ~ it is a terrible blight ~ but it was extremely hard for my husband too.

The thing about depression is that no-one can comprehend it, unless they have had it.

My husband was having to cope with a person in a terrible state, whom he didn't know any more. I needed him to help me, but he couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to, or tried.

It was making him extremely stressed and he began to suffer as well. He had no idea how I felt, except that it was bad. I feel very sorry for the partners of people suffering from depression. It is like nothing else.

You can get herbal remedies. St Johns wort is one. Lack of the right vitamins can cause it ~ especially the B vitamins, I think. Taking antibiotics can cause it. Also not getting enough sunshine.

Sometimes, just acknowledging that it may be depression can help, in itself.

Good luck!

Thank you PDM, for sharing your experience and I’m glad you are in a better state of mind now. It seems like everyone is going through depression at one point or another nowadays. Before, I used to be so confused. I wonder why all my friends and classmates are always so happy, enjoying their youth but I just couldn’t. I know I’ve always been more of an introvert person, so I thought maybe that has something to do with my depressed feelings. My ex always thought I’m just bored easily (which I am also) though I told him I feel down very often. I guess you’re right, it’s almost impossible for anyone who has not been in our shoes to understand exactly how it feels like. Even with my Mom, she used to compare her lives back then and ours right now and wonders why we even complain (she grew up in a 3rd world country). Anyways, thanks again everyone for your responses. It’s been a great support from this forum!!!