RomanceClass.com Forums Romance Breaking Up Need some advice for a complicated situation

So I'm unsure of whether or not to end things with my boyfriend of 3 years. Lately it just seems like everything is falling apart, and I don't know if I love him romantically anymore. He's one of my best friends and I consider myself lucky to have met him, but I also think that it would be selfish of me to just stay with him because I don't want to lose one of my best friends. I don't want to make the wrong decision and end up regretting it, but I also don't want to stay with something that might be falling apart.

We've had a somewhat rocky relationship to begin with, and my confusion of whether to break up with him or not is very...complicated (to say the least). When we first started dating (after about 6 months) he cheated on me. One of his friends visited and stayed with them, they proceeded to go out and got intoxicated and one thing led to another. It took a long time for me to consider whether or not I wanted to try and work things out. Long story short, we did, and after awhile of working on and building our trust back up, we have a pretty strong relationship.

The problem lately, and sort of ongoing, is that he has been slowly changing since he cheated on me. He's become more insecure, dependent, controlling, and just not the confident, outgoing person he was when we met. He used to be able to go out with me and just talk to some of my friends he didn't know without any problems. Now I'm hesitant to bring him out when I go out with my friends because he relies on me to kind of 'hold his hand' so to speak throughout conversations and things like that. I'm not against me introducing and involving him in conversations, but he used to be so good at just doing things on his own. Now it seems like he can't do anything without me telling him it's ok, or providing some kind of reassurance about it. He tells me sometimes that he'd rather hang out with me than his friends. I don't mind this at all and don't think that's weird, but he never goes out with his own friends anymore. We've had arguments about the whole "going out with friends" thing before, and he always makes it seem like I'm the one at fault for not inviting him every time I go out with my friends. Yet, I can't remember the last time we went out with his friends...I'm thinking it's been at least a year. It's just frustrating that he makes it seem like it's my fault and he won't realize that he doesn't invite me out ever. It may seem immature to have arguments about this kind of thing, but he's just changed so much since we met that he's not as much fun when we go out and he makes the mood weird when I'm with my friends.

Another complication is that he's become extremely good friends with my brothers. In fact, he's in one of my brother's weddings this July. I'm very close with my brother and I don't want to mess things up for his wedding if my boyfriend and I end up not being able to work things out.

I just need some advice. I even made a list of the good vs. bad things about our relationship. But that didn't seem to help. One of the problems that we have is that we're very much alike. That includes our tempers and stubbornness. One thing that is different is that even though he's 2 years older than me, he seems way more immature with his responses and how he deals with situations. He has a hard time controlling his emotions and can get mean (verbally) when he gets mad. That's one thing I really don't like about him. He isn't very kind towards his mother sometimes and I come from a very close-knit family and always view family values as in important thing.

I don't mean to point out every negative thing about him and not say anything positive, but I'm just trying to point out things I'm struggling with. My family likes him, he can make me laugh and smile when I need it, and he does love me. I just don't know if I can deal with his insecurities and constant need of reassurance anymore. We've worked and worked on it and it doesn't seem like he's tried to fix it at all even with my help.

If anyone could give some advice I would greatly appreciate it. I just am lost at what to do and how to figure out everything.

hey..i'll go ahead and put my input in this, but remember this is only my input..
ok im not a big fan's of cheaters,,but since this did happen along time ago and he has not done it since then and you guys have worked it out,,then its not a issue any more ,unlease it still a issue with you (which he may think it is)..
nexts, there could be 2 reasons why he depends so much on you when you guys go out with your friends..1st is he is afread to be him self around other girls if your with him, he may think you well think he is flirting or that he well cheat again,, 2nd to him your friends may be watching every move he makes, thinking they are juging him..
he may not be going out with his friend any more can also be for 2 reasons...1st he may not feel the need to go out and party any more or do the whole "guy" thing..most guys go out to look for girls or to look at girls and if he is in love with you then he may not feel the need to do so any more...2nd well even though you want him to go out with his friends he may think you dont..not really..afread you may think he is cheating again or well do it again. if it took that long to rebuil the trust he dont want to do anything that well brake that...
.with the whole "friends with your brother thing" dont worrie about it,, guys are different then girls,,there is a good chance he well still be good friends with you brother even if your not together..and if he does not , then dont say with him for the only reason is your brother..it well just end badly all around...
most guys are on a different level then girls when it comes to showing how they feel..they say things with out thinking and just want to hurt the person who hurt then by saying not so nice things...i would talk to him about this,,exsplain how it makes you feel and try to come to a agreement,,just keep in mind he can not just change like that,,it well take time for him to learn not to say mean things when he is mad.but over time he well ( my hubby was the tipe to walk out of a fight,,like say he is "going to his moms" and stupid stuff like that just becasue he was upset or mad,,i just talked to him and we worked on it for a few months and now he dont do that)

its not really making a list of the good and bad, its more of seeing "if the good out waighs the bad" if there is more good times then bad..then your good, but if there is more bad then good, then a reall look at what you guys have together needs to be done...

but what it comes down to is how you feel...if you love him then be with him and try to work things out by talking to each other more over all this,,,but if you feel you do not love him anymore then ,may be a "time out" needs to be done. if not a end for ever...over time you could work a friendship back into this, but that may not happen, or atleast it may not be the same...
like i said go with your feelings and you well make the right choce,,even if at first it dont feel like you made the right one, it well get better with time

Hi Dreamer & welcome

Certainly it seems unfair to stay with someone you no longer love, just so that you can have him as a friend. On the other hand, love affairs rarely retain their initial 'zing' for ever. Love changes. It's still love, but it's not quite the same as that initial passion you feel at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes, people mistake changes in their feelings of love to the end of their feelings of love. It's worth bearing this in mind.

However, I also think that 'lovers' can indeed grow apart. Maybe because they got together when they were very young and, as they age, they change considerably. This doesn't always happen, of course.

Also, we need to remember that relationships are going to have ups and downs. Not every day is going to be perfect and, for some, the periods when things don't seem to be going right can last longer than they would like. Relationships do need to be worked at.

You feel that you are working at yours but that he isn't.
Do you think that he feels the same about this?
Would he agree with you?

This is what I read:

When he cheated on you, it was because he went out with his friends.
You say:
'he never goes out with his own friends anymore'.
'He used to be able to .... talk to some of my friends'
'Now ... he can't do anything without me telling him it's ok'
'He's become more insecure, dependent, controlling, '

I'll give you my response to the scanario you describe, re him and friends.

He has changed since he cheated, so it is still bothering him.
He knows that it happenede when he was out with hisd friends, so he prevents it happening again by not going out with his friends.
He feels safer with your friends, because you are there to protect him from himself. Even so, he doesn't interact with your friends ~ at least not until you give him permissiion to do so.

It seems to me that he is so concerned about what happened, and what might happen again, that he is becoming overly controlling of the whole situation, himself and you.
So, I would say, in his own way, he is working very hard to try to make the relationship work. The problem is, this way is destructive.

You also say that 'He has a hard time controlling his emotions and can get mean (verbally) when he gets mad. That's one thing I really don't like about him.'

This doesn't sound promising. However, you say that you 'have a pretty strong relationship', so maybe all this can be worked out. I don't think that it can be ignored. You will need to talk it out with him ~ and I think that you could do with some counselling as a couple, because he seems to have issues about cheating on you, even if you don't ~ and I'm guessing that you do. Being cheated on cannot be pleasant.

Your family likes him. That's good, but, in my opinion, a relationship is, first and foremost, between the couple involved.

He loves you. It's good that you feel secure in this knowledge, but I can see that it would make it harder for you, if you do decide that the relationship is over.

Really think about this.

If you are irritated with his behaviour and 'not liking him' for something he has done, then you may well feel that you don't love him, either, and that it's over. However, if he then makes you smile when you are feeling down, you may decide that you do like him after all ~ and that you fall in love with him all over again.

Bad behaviour is not acceptable ~ he needs to know that, but no-one is perfect.
Is he very abusive? Does he need help with anger management?
This may also be a symptom of something else.

Only you can know what is the right thing to do. Only you can decide.

Talk to him. Try to find out where the confident young man you fell in love with has gone. See if you can get him back. Maybe all will be well again, then.

Try not to let this affect your brother's wedding, but don't ignore it either. If there is disharmony between you, this will affect your brother, anyway.

I posted this, without reading Suzzie's comments, so that mine wouldn't be affected by hers.

And they are just my opinions.
If you want this to work, I would recommend getting the advice of a relationship counsellor.

Good luck!

I have now read Suzzie's comments and tend to agree

I agree with both PDM and Suzzie. He sounds as if he might be very tense about making a mistake and perhaps is trying too hard. He may feel like he could not prove he had been faithful if he were out alone. Perhaps he feels as tense and awkward about the atmosphere also and it shows in his temper. He obviously seems to love you and wants to prove he is trustworthy. It may also be possible that you are conveying a basic mistrust of him that he is picking up on because of his past indiscretions. What appears to be a change in him may only be something that can be cleared up by frank open discussions where you both are able to express those feelings as PDM said with a councelor. Your guy is doing something a lot of guys don't do. He seems to be trying to deserve your trust.

We've actually had more than a dozen conversations about this kind of thing. He knows that his insecurity and the constant reassurance is an issue. After we talk about it, he usually improves and doesn't get crazy worried or anything. But not long after, he just shifts right back into an insecure person. He has thing with texting me all the time. And while I don't mind him saying "Hi, I'm thinking about you", because I sometimes do it too, sometimes he gets carried away (which we have also talked about a lot) and texts me a lot more. I tell him that I think it's rude to be out with friends and constantly on the phone texting someone, so I don't think he should do it as much. One text is fine if that's what he really wants, but I can't sit there when I'm out with my friends and be texting him. And if I don't text back (even when I'm not out and I'm busy at home with something) he tends to get really really worried and texts me a bunch of things like "ohh...k...well hope everythings ok and you're not mad at me". Just because it didn't text him back within 5 minutes. I don't always have my phone with me, and do not always have opportunities to check it, and this I have explained to him. But like with everything else, it seems like he fixes it and is ok, then after a few weeks or a month he goes right back to doing it.

We actually took a break around a year and a half because I was still having trouble getting over him cheating and his insecurities just added to the stress of dealing with the relationship. So we decided to work on our issues separately so we could have a better relationship together. We got back together (obviously) and were really great at first, and then it just started all back again. We argue a decent amount, and I know that arguing is common and an ok thing in a relationship, I think we butt heads a lot more than we should. We both agree we don't like fighting, but we can't seem to help it I guess. We're very similar, and my mom (she's one of my best friends and I often go to her for advice) has even said that he and I may be too similar to really work out.

Like I said, we've had many talks about issues involving our relationship, so he knows how I feel about certain things. I can honestly say that I'm completely over him cheating on me, and I don't mind at all if he goes out, and he knows this as well. I just don't know if the whole "things slipping back into place" is a sign that the issues will never be resolved or not.

I think, if this is going to work long-term, he, or both of you as a couple, will need some professional counselling.

Good luck!

hey i can tell ya now, he tex's you so much because he can feel you pulling away.and is afread you well end up cheating or finding some one new..so he tex to make sure your thoughts are on him and no one else, plus its a way to check up on ya with out saying.."who are you with, where are you at,,who are you talking to"..... you cant just talk to him about these issues and exspect them to go away, its like trying to tell some one not to eat...he is usto being this way and well end up going back to this...best is to keep on him...first singe he is going bcak to this, tell him. right off!! dont wait tell its bad again.. it takes time and pratice to changes ones ways.. and just like when trainging any thing you have to keep at it and dont give up....if this seems to much work that your welling to do, then maybe its time to end it...but if he is worth the effert and time, then do it....i may seem at times its all one sided, that your doing all the work, but remeber this is hard for him and well try his best if he does love you.... see i usto be the same way as your boyfriend (i never cheated, but i was cheated on so i acted alot like he is) i didnt like the guy to go out with out me, and if he did i called or tex'ed all the time, i would never go out with my friend, was to worried what the guy was doing to injoy my self so why go....i still fall in to that with my hubby,,but we work hard to get pass it and we made rules for each other ( my hubby has never cheated, but i still could not get over the idea that he could)..the rules work great and we bouth agree with them..may be seting up rules well work for you..like one could be on how many times to tex EACH other while out with friends..or each pick a day of the week or month you go out with friends and a day he does...it would not hurt to try..i hope all go's well