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Joined: Apr 2008
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I really need help in trying to understand...

Synopsis of my bf and I...

We are amazing together, we got closer even through LDR. I love my boyfriend so much and I know he loves me because we would talk about being together and getting married and we will cry when talking about it. I have this problem, even though my boyfriend has never given me a reason to make him seem like a bad guy, my mind can get warped. My ex did a number on me and I thought I grieved and let go...but this past weekend my boyfriend left his phone somewhere, and I didn't hear from him, and I started thinking the worst. He always calls because that is our system, we always text or call but he didn't and I didn't know he left his phone somewhere, he always has his phone...and somehow I thought he left me and had sex with someone else.

In reaction to all the bad thoughts that was whirling in my mind, I cancelled our status of our relationship in facebook, wrote him an email saying he should leave me and it was bad. My bf thought I really did break up with him, and he shut down.

I told him I was sorry that I betrayed his trust and made him think I was leaving him. I said that no issues should have made me say that. Both of us have abandonment issues. But he said he needs time and space from me. He said he loves me and he remembers everything but he feels dead inside and he needs time and he hopes he can get himself back. All his friends and family say he is not the same...I don't know what to do or think.

He didn't deserve me saying that...I have never reacted like that before...and I love this man so much...and I am afraid he will never be able to open back to me. We are so close, we are like best friends and connected....and now I think I am never going to get that back.

I have never done anything like this before,, I was shocked at myself after everything happened...I am very good to him and he is very good to me... I know I broke him when i made him think he lost me...

Quesiton 1

1) Will he ever let me back in? How can I help that process?

2) Why do guys need time and space? When I said I need time and space, he won't even give it to me because he said if we don't work it out together then we might get used to it so even though it was hard, I let him back in...but he said he can't for this, he needs time and space...I need to understand this because he has never been the kind of guy who wants to resolve our problems individually.

He said when he is in great emotional pain he shuts down and after that it's a done deal. But with me he knows he still loves me and he said he hopes he can get himself back...he said he has never experience wanting to unshut after shutting down...which is why he needs time and space....

Please guys...help me understand. He asked for two weeks and it's excruciating...

Joined: Dec 2004
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True Blue Soulmate
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Welcome soulfulsynergy smile

I think that the question: 'Why do men shut down when hurt?' is addressed in at least one of the books by John Gray. I was looking for my copy but couldn't find it.

Mens' minds are different from womens', and, while I don't go along with everything Gray says, I really do think that his books are worth reading and actually can help to improve relationships.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_From_Mars,_Women_Are_From_Venus
http://www.marsvenus.com/

Ah, I found what I was looking for in the Wikipedia item:
Quote:
'Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow then to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. This allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.'


So that helps explain mens' reactions.

Now to what is going on with you & your boyfriend.

If I was expecting a call from a loved-one and it didn't come, I would be worried ~ wondering if they were all right, etc. I've come to learn that if the call doesn't come, it usually means no credit, no signal, no battery, no public call box, or that they were too busy doing something else & so forgot. However, while these are the likely reasons, I still worry, because it could mean that something is very wrong.

You over-reacted.

While stressed men 'retreat to the cave', stressed women become hyper-anxious ~ I'm generalising here!

You were stressed, but, because of what happened to you in the past, instead of worrying about accidents, you worried about infidelity.

You over-reacted badly. You responded before even knowing what had happened and you accused him of doing wrong.

No wonder he is upset!
Imagine how you would feel in his situation!

However, he must have realised that you would be concerned at not hearing from him. Couldn't he have contacted you on a public phone to let you know ~ or borrowed a friend's phone for a few seconds?

What's done is done.
You love him and he loves you so, hopefully, this can be sorted out.

I think you need to assure him of a few things:
~ That you are sorry.
~ That you over-reacted because of the past.
~ That you love him.
~ That you trust him.
~ That you only became so upset, because he always contacts you and you hadn't heard from him.
~ That maybe you need to sort out attitudes left over from the past and maybe need some counselling.
~ That you respect his need for time.
~ That you do need to talk this through and hope that he will discuss it when he is ready.

For now: 'he feels dead inside' .. 'he is not the same'.
He is in pain. He is confused. He cannot understand why you would think such a thing.

Why did you?
Do you really trust him? ~ You need to be sure about this.
Is it because of the past? ~ You need to sort it out if it is.
Is it because you over-reacted to the lack of contact? ~ This needs to be sorted out, too.
~ What to do if one of you has no access to a phone and the other is expecting a call.
~ Why you were worried?
~ Why he didn't expect you to be worried?
~ Why he didn't borrow a phone?
~ Why you need constant telephone reassurance?

He has retreated to his 'cave'. He needs this time.
However, I think that writing him a letter might be a good idea.

I hope that things work out. smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
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I have to agree with PMD for the most part. I am a guy(only 13) but, I know what I am talking about her. Guys are different than girls. We both struggle to understand each other. Guys struggle to understand why girls are so forward and complex. Girls struggle to understand why guys are so withdrawn when it comes to emotions. I can tell you why in one word. The Girl. The guy usually wants to look tough and strong in front of women. It is primal instinct. I am very sorry to hear about what you did. I have seen it happen so many times in middle school as a relationship mediator. People don't respond and the other person over reacts and breaks up. I have to agree that you way over reacted. I can understand because nearly every girl does. Why guy's need space is when they are hurt they like to try and find a solution and to figure out why. Now there is NO way you should beg him or anything like that to get back together. If he loves you he will come back to you on 4 legs(happens all the time). I have no doubt that he does but, just let him think it through. Just keep telling him you love him when you talk with him. Try not to help the process to much otherwise the guy will feel pressured and likely to make a bad choice but regret it later. I hope that he comes back and you can go on together especially id it leads to marriage. Good luck and relax.


"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness."
~ by Oliver Wendell Holmes ~

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