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#242293 - 01/08/08 08:01 PM Ok I'm game for some suggestions
pretty bird Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 3645
Loc: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Stess Your talking to a person who quit their job we added onto our house and took in my parents. My mom has been in hospital a few times since they have moved in with us (almost 3 years ago) And my dad has had a stroke.
They are also diabetic (my mom has just gone on insulin recently) And they have high blood pressure and heart problems.
They are not bed ridden however.
This is my problem my mother is very controlling, demanding and noisey and my parents are argueing all the time. If they can't find something to argue about in the here and now they will go back 50 years to something that happened then (my mom is a good one for this).
My dad had the stroke and could be doing lots better but he refuses to do any therapy to get better. His idea of therapy is to push buttons on the remote of the tv. We even put him in a nursing home for a few weeks to try to get him to start exercising which was a joke.
We had therapists coming to the house after my dads stroke and my mom was just out of the hospital herself at the time from a bout of internal bleeding. Well when I tried to do things she yelled at me and told me to just leave her alone and she would do it so I backed off on some of the stuff.
However I did do laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning my mom was manly dealing with my dad.
This is one example of what I dealt with one day one of the therapits were sitting at the table with my mom and dad my mom has her head hanging down and tells the therapits "I have to do everything my daughter doesn't even do the laundry" This came from when I did the laundry and put the basket with just their clothes (no towels) on her bed because of the comment that she had made to let her do stuff.
Also you can't say anything negative to her at all ever.
You can't tell her anything that is bugging you because it will all end up being my fault anyway.
Is there such a thing as adult child abuse? My husband made the comment that he knew my parents treated me sort of bad but he said he never thought they would be as bad as they are.
I have gotten to the point of hibernating either in the basement or my room most of the time. You can't carry on a conversation with my dad at all because within about a minute he turns the converstaion into a joke by making stupid comments. This is not due to the stroke as he has always been like this.
I have no brothers or sisters and my parents just expected me to take them in when they got to the point that they could no longer care for themselves. All of this of them driving me crazy I just want to let you know I would never hit either one of them I don't believe in doing that to anyone ever no matter what. I do however loose my cool and say things once in awhile that I know I should not have said that's why its sometimes best to just hibernate. Anyway that is my biggest source of stress.
I did have panic attacks at one job that I worked at.
I did repair over the phone for a cable company I was in customer service also did billing and other stuff on the phone.
Customers were not to bad but the management was awful and the stuff they wanted us to do was ridculous.
Organizing Now here is another thing. I try to do so many things that they show on tv. Get the dividers get the containers ect. Half the time my kitchen looks like a tornado went thru it. We can clean in up and the next day looks like we did nothing.
My drawers (except for about 3 of them) look pretty darn good.
Cabinets all expect my tupperware one are ok but don't open the tupperware cupboard one they may all come flying out at you.
Here again clean in and by the end of the week its the same.
I don't have a dirty house just messy and I can't even blame my kids anymore they are long gone.
I think some of my problem is to much stuff. Every once in awhile I get into a throw out mood but I don't know if anyone has had this happen ok they say if you have not used something in a year throw it out. Well everytime I do this down the road I have a reason I could have used it. Granted its not everything that I get rid of but its happened enough times.
I think I need one of the organizer people to come to my house and live with me. lol
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My name is Connie

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#242386 - 01/09/08 07:02 AM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: pretty bird]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
My house is untidy, too, and everything falls out of my tupperware cupboard!

I think that it can be very hard, having two sets of adults in one house. It's something I said I would never do, but if the time comes when my Mum needs me to take care of her, well .. maybe I'll have to change my mind ~ but i know that it will be difficult.

Parents are used to being the 'adults' ~ in charge; in control, telling their 'children' what to do. The thing is, when parents become quite old, and needy, there is a kind of role-reversal, with the children taking on the role of the parents. Naturally, they no longer want to be treated like children, but the parents don't see that ~ and the parents don't want to acknowledge that they are old & needy, or that they can't do things, etc, etc. It is a difficult situation all round. They may well feel frightened of ill-health & old age ~ and angry at being an 'inconvenience'. smile

The thing is, as people get older, they are less inclined to change their ways or their attitudes. Perhaps you could just vent to them, as you have to us, and they may at least try a bit harder ~ or maybe they'd just feel offended.

Good luck!


Edited by PDM (01/09/08 07:03 AM)
Edit Reason: typo
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"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#242437 - 01/09/08 01:39 PM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: PDM]
pretty bird Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 3645
Loc: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
I have tried they got offended. I just have to learn to bite my tounge. The whole thing is though I never know what is going to set them off. It just helps to vent every once in awhile.
I knew what I was going to be in for before they moved in so its not like anything was a suprize.
Organizing
I have done some like buy containers to put things in some of my house is probably super organized and most other area's are not.

I'll have to do a good house cleaning before I go have my knee done. Hopefully I can get into one of my throw away moods (it scares my husband when I get in that mode he thinks I'm going to throw away all of his stuff.

My problem is I don't put stuff away right away and don't throw out things soon enough and I'm also guilty of buying to much junk.

But I do have to say since I got plastic drawer containers my bathroom closet has stayed neater. I have things sorted into the drawers by the type of stuff. Like toothpaste/extra brushes ect. Finger nail polish, remover and files, Back rub creams, All foot related stuff and so on. It does make stuff lots easier to find especially the small stuff. I have gotten the little divider trays for my kitchen drawers seems to keep them from becoming a mess. My problem is I start out really good with some of the stuff like my basement at one time I had it really organized and it seems to go down hill. My husband was wonderful and built me tons of shelves most people would probably die for all the shelves that I have but I find that no matter how much room you have it always seems to fill up pretty fast. That's why I know I really need to do a throw away or if I find enough stuff I guess a rumage sale. What I should do is get everything ready for a sale and then when I'm tied up with my knee I could sit and have my sale I'll have to think on that one for awhile.
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My name is Connie

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#242456 - 01/09/08 04:41 PM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: pretty bird]
Goji Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/08
Posts: 49
Loc: New York
Your parents are diabetic.. tell them to eat lots of cinnamon! Helps control blood sugar. smile

Everyone "looses their cool". You should try and get out of the house by yourself sometimes or take up a new hobby. The past few months I have taken up growing herbs and things in my bedroom and now I'm planning a large organic garden for the spring. Maybe that's something that interests you also?

The organization part.. clean out your kitchen and chuck the things you don't need or don't use. (recycle too!) and then stop BUYING things you don't need or don't use! Try and keep the people that make the messes out of the kitchen.

Hope I have been of some help. Hope you feel better.

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#242477 - 01/09/08 05:48 PM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: pretty bird]
joandboys Offline
Soulmate

Registered: 08/26/07
Posts: 2101
Loc: New York
I agree with PDM it really becomes a roll reversal. Sometimes it must seem as if you can't do anything right. Organizing has been successful but I agree that eliminating some of the things you don't use a great deal will help in the kitchen. You don't have to get rid of them. Just buy three different color price tag dots and go through your tupperware cupboard and other cupboards and put a red dot on the things you use all the time. Green dots on the things you use sometimes and yellow on the infrequent use things. Put the yellow ones in storage tubs and label them and store them in a handy place. Same with cooking utencils. You have your hands full so plan a "help party". Invite a few good friends and serve refreshments after your kitchen is organized. As far as the relationship with your parents goes perhaps sitting down with your mother and asking her if there are any suggestions she might have or things she might change would let her feel in control. I'm betting that not haveing control of her own home or health or her husbands health has left her feeling vulnerable and unuseful. She sounds as if she is used to being in control. Her remark to the therapist sounds like it reveals a need to feel or appear useful even at your expense. Your father sounds like a easy going fella and although stubborn can at least be delt with easier. Don't forget also, that although you are an angel for caring for your parents you also have to care for yourself. Organizing to make it easier on you will not give you the respite you need to refuel and give you and your husband a quality of life break. They have organizations to give caregivers time away. It also gives the parents a change and a chance to appreciate you. Many families in your position have also considered having a livein caregiver whom they subsidize with room and board as well as a small salary. This can also be paid for by parents medical sometimes.You will definitely need help when you have your knee worked on so that you do not over do it. Your parents obviousely recognized your big heart in assuming you would be the one and they were right. Have faith things will improve.
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#242608 - 01/10/08 10:46 AM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: joandboys]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
Some people say ~ if you haven't used something in the last 6 months, get rid of it, but, like you, I always seem to think that something will come in useful, so I keep it, then I decide that it should go out after all, and then I realise I needed it!!! I know!!! Anyway, 6 months doesn't even cover seasonal clothes changes.

I did hear some better advice ~ if it is a positive addition to your home, whether you use it, or it makes you happy, or you just 'want' it, then keep it, but if not, get rid of it.

Sometimes I do the 'charity shop test'. If I were to see this item, in a charity shop, costing only 1 penny, would I consider it a worthwhile addition to my life. If not, then definitely get rid.
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#243189 - 01/12/08 02:22 AM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: PDM]
big bad momma Offline
Copper Star Soulmate

Registered: 02/23/07
Posts: 4370
Loc: n.y
this is were i'm at right now.should I throw out or keep outfits I haven't worn in the last two years.from past experiences the minute you do something comes back in style.I guess that's why we women don't like throwing out our old cloths and shoes.,
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#243263 - 01/12/08 11:51 AM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: big bad momma]
pretty bird Offline
Tin Star Soulmate

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 3645
Loc: Fond du Lac, Wisconsin
Or better yet if you have clothes that is to small and you know you NEED to loose weight do you get rid of these clothes or do you keep them so you don't have to go out and buy all new stuff when you do loose the weight. I'm talking about stuff that won't go out of style like jeans. Believe me I'm not an in style person anyway. I think I have worn the same type of clothes for the last 30 years or more. I'm a jeans type of girl hate dresses if I have to dress up its slacks and a nice blouse and a pair of flats. If I would never have to wear another dress in my life I would be perfectly fine with that they are just not comfortable and I would rather by comfortable.
Sometimes I have to laugh when I catch one of these make over style shows. I would be probably one of their worst nightmares.
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My name is Connie

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#243347 - 01/12/08 03:53 PM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: pretty bird]
PDM Offline

True Blue Soulmate

Registered: 12/16/04
Posts: 22697
Loc: UK
If I like clothes, I keep them ~ yes, I admit, I'm a hoarder.
My weight fluctuates, too, so I need different sizes ~ and you can't always get the styles you like ~ and I like to be able to prove that I really did fit into those tiny trendy clothes once upon a time!!
_________________________
"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.

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#243372 - 01/12/08 04:54 PM Re: Ok I'm game for some suggestions [Re: PDM]
Pudgie's mom
Unregistered


LOL re: the clothing dilemma! Hmmm... perhaps we should think in terms of three piles/sorting categories:

1 = I really do wear this a lot (keep!)
2 = oh, get serious - this is way too small/large/hideously unfashionable/worn out (trash or charity!)
3 = I know it's silly to keep this but I like it (box & put in storage!)

Lest I sound like little miss organizing expert, let me confess that I need to go through two closets this winter and make some harsh decisions about my own junk!

I think there have been a lot of really good suggestions, above, especially the one about not buying more stuff unless you truly need it.

About PrettyBird's elderly parents: Is there anything more frustrating than giving your all to someone, only to have them criticize your efforts? I totally sympathize with your frustration, although in my case it was just several days a month helping my husband's great-aunt; I think I would go insane if I had to live with that situation on a 24/7 basis & I give you truck-loads of credit for handling it as well as you have.

My husband's sister is in a situation similar to yours but it's just her mother (father passed away years ago). It seems to be an endless parade of criticism - nothing's ever quite good enough or done the way she would have done it, none of her medications ever really address her illnesses, and an attitude of "if you really cared about me, you'd stay home and be with me all the time!"

Somebody posted above that there are more and more "Caregiver Support Groups" nowadays. Maybe something like that would help you a little and perhaps also they might have ideas for setting boundaries with your parents -- what you will and will not tolerate, what demands are acceptable to you and which are not, etc.

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