I was in a relationship for nearly 20 years. We did not get along, fighting daily over little details. I was not neat and organized, she was. I was a spacey musician, she was a somewhat together visual artist. She was the second woman I had a relationship with. Aside from all the fighting, I was curious about physical relationships with other people. I had an affair, but was not comfortable doing that, it was very stressful. I broke it off. However, I felt that the romance was missing in the relationship, and developed crushes on a series of women who I felt were much more compatible. I had a few short affairs when I traveled. I realized the physical relationship I had with her was not that good for me. I tried to improve it, but it was a matter of physical chemistry or something - some people are more physically compatible than others. She was happy with our physical relationship, but I was not. She was very hurt my my affairs and crushes, but still wanted to make the relationship work. Finally, after nearly 20 years of arguing and trying to find ways to escape (I couldn't afford the mortgage and my own place too) I got a job in another city a few hours away. Because I was afraid of how angry she would get, sometimes to the point of violence, and how she would find a way to talk me out of moving and taking another job, I avoided breaking up with her till I had finished moving the bulk of my equipment to my new place.
I met someone else I liked immediately, a day later, and got physically involved.
My ex is devastated. I still feel connected to her, and I feel that my actions are hurting her, but I don't know what to do. She doesn't want to talk to me, or at least that is what she says. I wish I could have ended it better, but I was really afraid of her anger. In fact I still have this fear she might show up in my city with a knife or something... But at the same time I still care for her, I don't want her to suffer because of what I am doing to try to make myself a happier person. Calling her seems to make things worse, yet several times I had a strong feeling to call her, and I think it was the right thing to do.
When I went to pick up more of my things she looked very bad, she was suffering alot. I don't know what to do besides send her money when she needs for the bills, but I don't want her to kill herself either, she admitted to me that she sometimes feels that way.
So: I was "bad". I'm in a relationship now where things are pretty good, and I don't feel the need to go out and find something "better". I didn't end it well, but I could use some help in trying to promote healing in myself and her. The pain I feel about how badly I ended it - abruptly and jumping into another relationship with someone I met the next day - is interfering with my current relationship and my level of happiness at work.
