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#189921 06/09/07 09:04 AM
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Hey everyone! I really need some good advice, so I guess I will briefly explain my situation.

I have been on and off with my boyfriend for a little over 2 1/2 years. I'm currently 19 and he just turned 20. Anyways, the first time we broke up, we didn't really break up, we still acted like boyfriend/girlfriend and such. The second time we broke up was because he moved to Canada and he had a long distance relationship before and hated it and because we had a few problems. But now, we are broken up again/on a break. He says he's very open to the possibility of us getting back together, but he feels right now isn't right. We broke up because we were having problems and we let them get too big (we were young and didn't know the correct way to deal with things). Anyways, I've been focusing on the our problems, how I contributed, what I did wrong, and how to make things right. He says that right now we're incompatable, which I disagree. I believe he's mistaken incompatibility with not knowing how to deal with problems. We've been broken up for 2 months now, but he just moved out about a week or 2 ago. We still do see each other, and we definitely still have our moments. I know he's the one. I can't imagine being with anyone nor do I want to. I know we will be back together someday, I'm not sure when or how.

Does anyone have any advice? What should I do or say? Should I not call him and have him call me? Should I talk to him about our problems and what I've learned? Or should I try to show him instead? Should I give him space? Should I stop seeing him for awhile (if so how long?)

Also, does anyone recommend any of the e-books on how to get your ex-back? I don't have much money, but I would invest in one if you guys think it might work. What about the ebook on the site http://www.romanceclass.com/ebooks/back_f.asp ?

thanks for the advice, thank you guys so much.

Joined: Dec 2004
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True Blue Soulmate
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True Blue Soulmate
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Hi xobabylovelyxo & welcome. smile

My first response to the book was 'no', but then I thought that there is a lot of very helpful information in books, so I'm not sure. I wouldn't buy a book that I couldn't check out first, though.

As ever, without really knowing the people or the situation it's difficult to know how to respond.

There could be all sorts of things going on here.

You have been together for quite a long time, and from a fairly young age. Some boys, especially if they see the relationship lasting, might start to feel that they need some space, and some time apart, before they feel ready to settle down.

It's also possible that, while you feel that he is 'the one', he may feel that he has moved on, and saying that he feels that you are incompatible is his gentle way of letting you down.

Yet you say he is open to you getting back together, so I'm just not sure how to interpret that.

Actually, many men & women are incompatible, when you think about it, because our brains are wired differently.

There are books on this subject, and, while I wouldn't necessarily agree with everything the authors say, it really is worth reading up about the subject, because this can really help with misunderstandings, arguments, etc.

I would recommend that anyone in a heterosexual relationship should read about this. It could enhance a lot of relationships, to understand how the mind of the other person might work.

The Venus & Mars books are some, by John Gray.
I've noticed that he has a website:
http://www.marsvenus.com/

I am not suggesting that you get involved in any of his courses, or anything, just borrow his book from the library & it will make you think about a few things.

Here's the book:
'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships'
http://www.amazon.com/Mars-Women-Venus-Communication-Relationships/dp/006016848X

You can read the reviews there, too.

More info here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus

Here's another one:
'Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It'
by Allan Pease & Barbara Pease

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Listen-Women-Cant-Read/dp/0752846191

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Listen-Women-Cant-Read/dp/0767907639


'Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes: The Ultimate Guide to the Opposite Sex' by Barbara Pease & Allan Pease

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Have-Women-Always-Shoes/dp/0767916107/ref=pd_sim_b_1/002-4574736-9800810

Why Men Lie and Women Cry by Allan Pease & Barbara Pease
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Lie-Women-Cry/dp/0752847279/ref=pd_sim_b_2/002-4574736-9800810

And this one:

Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women by Anne Moir & David Jessel
http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Sex-Difference-Between-Women/dp/0385311834


Also:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6683241.stm

There are a number of these books about. If you go to those Amazon pages, you will see others recommended. Check some out at the library.

As for your relationship, I think that, while it's worth being sure that he knows that you consider him to be 'the one', yet you should also let him know that you are willing to give him his space. Then just see if that is all he needs, or whether he actually feels that he wants to move on.

Maybe a letter, setting your thoughts out, but not putting any pressure on him might help?? I should read one of those books though ~ it really could help you to sort out your thoughts.

Good luck! smile


"The secret of success is constancy to purpose" - Benjamin Disraeli.
PDM #190040 06/09/07 08:36 PM
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Thank you so much for your reply.

I have read a few of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books -- the main one and the stages of dating, not the one you recommended though. I will still check the ones you recommended and maybe have my ex check them out when he gets the chance (he does own the 2 Mars/Venus books I mentioned but hasn't had the chance to read them).

I do believe that my ex may (or may not) have a problem with us being so young and such because his parents got a divorced (his mom tricked his dad into marrying her so clearly it wouldn't have lasted) but the rest of his family for the most part (except for his step-siblings) have been married and remarried a few times. I just think he might be worried about making the wrong choice or something since his whole family appears to be like that.

I believe I might see him tomorrow, so I guess I will just ask him a few questions, no pressure, just to see where he is exactly. I'll give him his space, work on myself, and try to figure out what drew him to me to begin with. I'm just not sure how to romance him and remind him why we fell in love in the first place... smirk


But thank you so much again!


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