Hello all.
I just recently found this website and I really like the looks of it. I'm currently going through a very rough break up, and it doesn't look any better right now.
Anyway, here is a little something I wrote on Friday. (Day we broke it off)
I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, you guys seem like a good group of people. Any comments or advice would be very appreciated.
I can't take it anymore.
I cry. I cry so hard. I type and cry at the same time. God, I can't help it. I can't push past the feelings. I can't sleep now. I can't eat right. I just can't stop...crying.
Tears heal the soul, but this soul is borken beyond belief. It's gone, I know some would say, "That's how it feels right now because it's so painful, things will get better."
Why does it have to hurt so much then? If everything happens for a reason, then what's the reason for this hurt? What's the lesson to be learned here? Just help me learn and let go. Let me not love her anymore. Take this pain from me and from everyone who has ever felt remotely close to it.
My irrational rants have been going for the last two days now, and I can't stop them. I have no family. I have no car. I have no job. I have no love anymore, I have nothing to look forward to.
She has her parents, the comfort and support of the ones that love her the most surrounding her at all times. Letting her know that's its gonna be alright.
But I don't have a family to sit me down and say, "Everything is going to be alright, Joe."
I want to be a victim, I want to cry loudly, I want to howl at the heavens. I want to run and hide, I want everything that isn't going to happen.
I walked past a preacher's house the other day, and I was so tempted to walk up to his house, tear stained cheeks and all. Rapp on his door and just crumble under the hurt in front of him. For some odd reason I felt the most comfortable in front of this preachers house. He had stopped me long ago, and we had debated for a time about religion and the like. I noticed then, how peaceful he was. How unchallenging he was. How loving he was. How unafraid of what society would think about stopping a complete stranger in the middle of the street for no apparent reason other than to say "hi, how are you?" This world has gotten away from the most priceless things, such as giving a nice hug to a complete stranger, for no reason at all, except to love. I kept walking right past that preacher's house, though.
I kept walking until I came right back to where I had started this all before. So long ago, now. I easily slip in the front door. I sat down on the couch quietly, and took a long, deep breath, thinking that it would somehow help. Not a chance. Pop is playin on his game, I laugh softly. The lil bro is on his PC chatting it up with his friends. I smile. Tears...becoming harder to hold now. Tamara comes in, I'm most comfortable to talk to her. She makes me feel so loved and welcomed. I wish I had a parent like that. No matter, she knows somethings wrong.
"How's it goin?" She asks, concern filling her eyes, she could tell something was amiss.
"It's alright, could be better I guess," I say, adverting my eyes to the floor.
A time goes by while she gets comfortable, I could tell she was studying me and trying to figure out something to say. Finally...
"Wanna talk about it?" She asks from no emphasis from me.
"Yes," I say with a labored breath, "Very much so."
"Come on, let's go take a drive," she speaks so softly, as if a breath upon the wind.
I follow suit, not knowing what else to do.
We drive for a little while, finally, coming to a stop at the old Airport off of 49. She tells me that this is her thinking spot, when she needs to clear her head. It was nice.
"It hurts so Goddamn bad, Tam," I say bursting into tears. The burden carrying it was too much. I couldn't take it.
She holds me for awhile, and hushes my sobs. She pats my head and holds me. I had brought a tissue, knowing that this would happen at some point in time. I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to stop the tears.
I wiped the hot tears away, and scrub my hair out of my eyes.
"I knew it had to be something like this, from the look on your face back at the house," She mentions after awhile.
"Yeah," I say with a chuckle and a hiccup.
"Why did she leave?" She asks.
"She says that we are too different, that she isn't happy, that she's tired of trying," I responded.
We talk for a little longer about odd things, I could see that she was trying to get my head clear and help me see myself. She was trying to get me to see the big picture and reality. That sometimes things just don't add up, that they aren't meant to be. She summed this up with a comparison to trying on different clothes. She says that they look good in the window, the right color, everything is perfect. When you try it on, you notice that it doesn't fit properly somewhere, so you put it back, get a different size, or a different article of clothing.
Made sense in an odd sort of a way. I do I a little more crying, at some point in the conversation she asks me a question.
"What part of her cycle is she on?"
"Middle of her period," I retort candidly.
"I was afraid of that," She responds, looking out her driver window.
"Why?"
"There's a possibility that she did this based upon her period, she hasn't been taking her other pills, has she?" She asks.
"No, she hasn't taken those pills for months now, come to think of it....That's when we started arguing a lot. I never really pushed that issue though."
I think about this for a moment, it would definetely be nice to say this was all because of Lupron, her period, and her not taking her pills. I would love to blame it on that. All you out there in heartbreak land search for something to blame the relationship failure on, so you know what I'm feeling right now.
Do you guys know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting at her house, the oddest places to be at this particular time, but I have nowhere else to go. Her family is my family. I can't separate the two now, it's too hard. I relied upon her for too long.....I used her for too long.
I'm sad right now because it took me loosing the one person that I loved most in the world, to help me solve my insecurities.
When she would get angry, or upset, I would prod her to stay and talk it out. I would stand in front of the door and plead with her to stay and talk it out. You want to know why? Because I was afraid that if she walked out that door, she would never come back. My insecurities are what drove this relationship to hell. My life, my love, my everything is shattered right now. Picking up the pieces are useless right now, I have to leave them. Let them gather dust. The dust will thicken over time and soon it will be a dull ache in my mind and heart. I'll remember these days. These days of pain. These last two years of heartbreak, more downs than ups, and I'll remember. I'll remember...
I know what caused this now. I know what drove her away. Understanding and changing now will do no difference in our situation. She'll still be gone in the morning and will still be gone in the evening. There is nothing that I can do to change that. I'm saying this to convince me just as much as I am trying to telling you all what's up. I...have....to.....let....her....go.
I must do it, I have to do it, I have no choice.
So now that I know that I must do it and being forced to do it. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I handle the pain in the meantime? So many questions, and not nearly enough answers. There's no easy way for this. There's no painfree way to get out of this. I'll trudge through it. In the end, hopefully things will be better. Maybe I'll find another one, maybe I'll begin to love again.
For right now, I'll be broken. For now....just for a little while.
She said that she went through this for six years for Matthew. I can't imagine going through what I'm going through for six years, I'll die because of it. I can't imagine.
Please, lord, help me. A crying man, who seldom cries, is reaching out for the only thing that is continuously there. The one person that will NEVER leave. No matter what. Funny that I turn to you in my most down times. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I turned my back for so long. I'm sorry for it all. I need a new way, and a new life. Please shelter me, and guide me. Be with me, don't leave me alone. I feel so alone right now. Hold my hand. Amen.
I'll wait. Can't help it.
