Monthly Archives: February 2014

Day 16 / Forgiveness and Children

Day 16 / Forgiveness and Children

I’ve been pondering this one for several days. My first reaction is that I wouldn’t need to forgive my son – I’m the one who needs forgiveness. I think of all the things I didn’t do right in his life. I remember them keenly. Even little things like, one night when he dropped his bottle, I reached under the bed, grabbed it, and gave it back to him. Then he instantly threw up because I’d given him last night’s bottle which had somehow fallen down there. Not that he was really hurt by taking a mouthful of the sour milk, but it stands out in my mind as me failing. And of course there are other situations that all stack up.

But the point of this exercise is to dig deeper and examine issues from all sides. I already am working on the “Forgive Lisa” aspect of things in various other days’ exercises. So I gave this one more thought. Were there really things I might need to forgive my son for, that could be impacting our relationship?

I realized, after some pondering, that it’s bothered me that he isn’t trying to get a job / move his life forward. I know the job market is tough. But to not even try, or to not move forward with schooling, doesn’t make sense to me. He could be writing novels. He could be doing all sorts of productive things.

Instead, what he does, along with helping my ex with random tasks, is to run a twitter feed where he shouts at people and swears. When I recently had an IM discussion with him about the nature of violence and pornography in video games, he began shouting at me. This all bothers me immensely. He’s 25. He’s an adult male. I make excuses and ignore it and figure “boys will be boys” – but at a core level this is not what I want to see in an adult. Male or female. One should not have to shout at another to force a point on them. Nor should one have to swear.

So I think this exercise has helped a lot, in bringing these feelings to the surface. Now I have to figure out what to do next. Clearly he’s 25 and is an adult. And I did speak up the next day and indicate that his shouting was inappropriate. But maybe it is time for me to “unfollow” his feeds, if this is the way he interacts with others, so it doesn’t upset me. I can love of him and also not approve of the way he interacts with his Twitter people.

Do Not Complain Reboot 32 Day 4

Do Not Complain Reboot 32 Day 4 –

My life isn’t always stress-free smile. What I aim for, though, is to deal with those stressors in a way that preserves my health.

My stepfather is giving me much of his old stereo equipment which I’m then selling on CraigsList. It’s been going smoothly in general, with lots of happy recipients. Then I encountered P. After various back-and-forth he arrived at noon on Sunday morning, the morning after Bob’s gig. So Bob and I were both exhausted but we woke to meet P’s requirements. We had the receiver set up, demonstrated it, and answered all his questions. He haggled with us even though it was exactly what we described. I admit I’m just not happy haggling. But we gave in and dropped the price, and even found him a sturdy box to take it in.

This morning I wake up to a hostile email from P where he’s swearing at me, denigrating me, and stating that the “stereo mode doesn’t work”.

Bob thinks he simply doesn’t understand the function of the “stereo” light, which comes on if a FM station is being received in stereo. That would not light up during normal CD or other play.

My dual aims are to preserve my own health, by not allowing stress to be created in me, and also not to spread stress in others. So I took in deep breaths and did some yoga smile.

And then I wrote P, first stating that I would not allow abusive language to be used. This is a business transaction and as adults we should be able to manage this professionally. I then explained the probable situation and said we’d take it back if he wanted. (Heck, this would be good for us, since there are other people who wanted it and who would pay full price for it as is.) I told him the only real hurdle to us taking it back at this point is that, given the hostility of his message, I wasn’t sure I wanted him in the house again.

Maybe this will have him consider the language he used – especially if it turns out he was misinterpreting how the stereo is supposed to properly work. It did preserve my own stress levels and health. If he chooses to remain hostile going forward, then that is his choice as an adult and I’ll simply cease communications. I cannot change others. I can only model the behavior I believe in and ensure the atmosphere I live in supports me.

Yelling at him wouldn’t have helped – it would have riled stress in me and spread stress to him, too. It wouldn’t be likely to create a more positive outcome. For me, the best solution all around is to handle the transaction like adults, to maintain my own calm, and if he chooses not to engage in a like manner, to move on to someone else who will.