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Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. --Ursula K. LeGuin



Her Ex Grabbed her Back



Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Me and my girlfriend have only been going out for two months. Everything was going great until her ex boyfriend that had been with her for much longer then we have been together was calling her every night even when she kept telling him to stop. Our relationship starting drifting slowly apart and I was becoming jealous.

The other day she broke up with me i need advice on how i can get her back.




RomanceClass.com Advice
OK, there are several things going on here. First, it sounds like she wasn't really over her ex, if she let him worm himself back into her life. If they had really broken up over something serious, she would have stood by the breakup and stayed loyal to you. If it was such a minor issue that she was able to get back together with him, you have to wonder why they broke up in the first place. They weren't willing to put in that 1% extra effort to work through the problem? They just called it quits so easily? That doesn't sound like they are people who really work on problems. They just say "Oh it's easier to call it quits, see ya!"

So then she's with you, and her ex starts bugging her - but instead of saying "Sorry, you are being disrespectful, I am with a new guy now," she takes his calls and talks to him. And not only that, but she allows him to get between you two - even though she is WITH you and you should be the focus of her affections and attention. She's betraying you, because you trust her as your girlfriend. And she takes that trust and spends her time with another guy.

Because of her spending time with another guy, of course your relationship suffers. A relationship has to be about 2 people who care for each other - it can't have one person off running around and lying. So now she of course has issues with you - but again she doesn't bother to work on them. That would take effort. Instead, she decides to take the easy road, go back with the ex, even though it shows that she betrayed you and had no respect for your relationship.

Of course since I doubt she and her ex actually resolved whatever it was that drove them apart, now that they're together again, the exact same thing will happen. They have the same issues, they will have that issue get large, and will break up again. Both of them have proven (repeatedly now) that when things get tough they just abandon ship.

Not only that, but both have proven they have no respect for a relationship in general. The guy was quite willing to intrude even though the girl was with someone else. He doesn't care who is with who if it interferes with what he wants. So what if the next girl he wants happens to be his girlfriend's best friend? It won't matter to him, he'll just go after him. On the other hand, your ex-girlfriend was willing to flirt with and get cozy with her ex even though she was *dating you*. That's equally as bad. Now that she's dating her ex again, what if someone else starts flirting with her? Will she just abandon her ex for the new, interesting guy?

One of those things you learn in life is that there ALWAYS is someone more handsome or more rich or more skillful or whatever it is you value in life. If you go hopping from person to person, nobody will trust you or rely on you. Why should they - you've proven repeatedly that you just jump ship when the mood strikes you. The whole point of a relationship is that you value the other PERSON for what they are, completely. That you are willing to work - even when it's not easy! - on keeping the relationship happy.

You really deserve to have someone with you that WANTS to be with you and who HONORS and RESPECTS the relationship you guys have. A girl that goes off flirting with her ex and then decides to break up with you isn't a girl you can trust. If you did get her back - how could you trust that she wouldn't do it all over again? She's already shown that if she's interested in someone else, she'll lie about it and betray you and then just tell you after the fact that "Oh never mind about all this time we've spent together, I actually liked someone else." Next time it might not be her ex - it might be someone else. But the fact that she can *be involved* with another guy while claiming to be *your girlfriend* is really, really bad.

I would be happy that it only took 2 months of your life for her to show this part of her. What if you'd been with her for 6 months or a year, and you discovered at the end of that time that pretty much the whole time she'd been fooling around with someone else on the side? At least this way you found out early on. I'm sure there are many, many other girls out there who are really good for you and who would really love and care for what you are. Most girls are trustworthy, honest and true. Don't let this one girl who is able to betray people affect how you look at all girls. You really deserve a girl who will be honest with you and who you can trust.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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