I like a girl, she's pregnant and choosing loser guys
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've been in love with a girl for over a year now. Last year I didn't have the guts to make a move. I've always thought I was unnattractive and boring. I finally made my move a couple of months ago. We went out to a movie and had a great time.
After that however she got back together with her ex (who is a complete jerk) who got her pregnant and dumped her. This all happened while I was trying to give her some space that she requested because I was moving our relationship too fast and she wasn't over her ex yet.
Then, a couple of months later I figured it was about time to make another move. I was going to ask her out to prom at a party we were both going to. That was when I found out she had started dating her ex's loser jerk friend. He's a pig and all he wants is sex.
She knows that and wants to break it off. She told me the other day that if her situation were different and she wasn't in the situation she's gotten herself into she would have dated me right away. I still feel the same for her even though she's pregnant.
I spent a lot of time thinking about it because it's a large responsibility, but I know now that I want to be there for her. We ended up going to prom and when we danced everything felt like it was the way it should be. It was perfect. What can I do?
It sounds like from the guys she's choosing that she has a low self image and sort of feels like she "deserves" jerks to date. Probably also being pregnant and abandoned she feels this even more strongly - that how can she date guys if she knows she is going to have this child to raise and be a "burden"? So she might have thought you deserved something better than her - you deserved a single, non-pregnant girl that was less of a hassle.
The most important thing here is to TALK to her. Communication and honesty is really important in any relationship - and where she's pregnant and has all sorts of extra worries it is REALLY REALLY important. She has lots of fears about the baby and how it will affect a relationship and so on. She also has been abandoned and misused and has worries about that happening in the future.
So read the info on my site about setting the stage for a serious talk. And then sit and talk with her. Explain that you care for her a lot. That you obviously KNOW she is pregnant and will have a child and that is fine with you. That you will care for the child and help out. Tell her that she deserves a loving man in her life - and that (maybe something she will listen to better) her BABY deserves a loving guy around. If she dates loser guys, the baby will be hurt by it!! You might think babies don't notice jerks. But babies are VERY aware of voices and sounds and emotions. If the baby notices his mom is unhappy, that the "guy" around is mean and nasty, the baby will feel it and it really does affect the baby. So it is REALLY important that she (the mom) work to find a guy that is kind and gentle and caring to be around that baby - and to be around her. The most, most important thing a baby can have is people around it that care for it and are kind and gentle - WHOEVER those people are. The baby doesn't care if someone is "their real daddy" or "a guy who loves me and my mom". The baby just cares it has LOVE around it and not ANGER.
Hopefully if you talk to her and lay all of this out for her she will feel more comfortable with dating you seriously. It's not like she's forcing you into anything or tricking you. You are fully aware of the situation and you are ACTIVELY CHOOSING to enter into it. This really sounds like it is best for her and the baby so to then turn you away would be sort of silly of her - and almost selfish, denying the baby the happy love it could be raised in.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com