"nice guys finish last" ?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
Well, im 18 and i'm currently doing my senior year in japan as an exchange student and there is a girl at my school that i really like. To tell the truth i havent really had a girlfriend in my life. There have been many girls that ive had the opportunity with, but they werent the right ones i guess. something just didnt click with me, so we never got farther than a certain spot. anyways, i have a few problems with this. 1) is that my japanese isnt great since ive only been studying it for 5 1/2 months. its not terrible, but there isnt much of a chance for too deep of conversations. 2) She has a boyfriend. i met him once. he doesnt like me. the girls best friend told me that he is jealous. in japan, phone email is popular and i usually talk to her through that. he doesnt want her to talk or write emails to me, but we do anyways. 3) she is very busy. I only get to see her in the morning when we are going on the train to school and some days after school on the way home, if her schedule allows it. all other times seem to be taken up with something important, or maybe her boyfriend. Ive been debating this all in my mind for a maybe a month and a half. I had decided then that i wouldnt do anything. i know that that one is the right choice...but i dont want to accept it. i decided that trying to get her to break up with her boyfriend and go for me wont be good for her in the future. even if we did go out, i would eventually in august have to go back to america and have no chances of coming back for 3 or so years. so chances are good that our relationship wouldnt last. shes been going out with him for 3 or 4 years i guess, and i dont want to break it off for 6 months and then leave her with nothing. But then again, i dont want to return to america with thoughts of what could have been. as i said im 18, and havent had a girlfriend, but there have been 2 girls that i wish it coulda gone a little farther with. i have been able to battle this, but in the last few days ive seen her more and talked to her more and im really interested in her and she in me. also she just told me yesterday that her and her boyfriend just had a fight. i didnt know if it was small talk or a hint to me. really, i dont need to go out with her, i just want to be able to spend time with her. whenever i see her, i think to myself, "oh no..i dont know what to talk about!" but after a few seconds we get rollin on something and were off(even if the language barrier is tough, it seems to provide a little bit of fun if used right). we are pretty good friends and joke a lot, and at the end of our conversations im always in such a good mood. Is there anything you can tell me to help me out? many to find more time to see her? i guess my situation has always seemed to be "nice guys finish last" i know ill find the one someday, and ill eventually get over this girl, but i cant help asking myself "what if she was the one and you missed her because you were too passive?" anyways, thats all i can think of at the moment, i didnt plan any of this out so its all scrambling out of the top of my head. anything you can tell me will help. thanks
My advice is to stay a sweet "nice guy" with her as a friend.
You have pointed out the reasons for this... she has a boyfriend and you are leaving in six months for at least three years.
Enjoy what you have as it sounds really nice. As a friend you can live more easily with the time constraints than as a boyfriend. Consider yourself lucky that you have her as a good friend. You wouldn't want to spoil that by tryiing to move to a different level.
If things are going to change, let her make the move as that is the only way I can see this working out the way you might want.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com