Should I stay friends with her whether or not if she says no

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
First off I know Iím not supposed to reply back until after a week at least and so far I have done that, and after this one I donít think ill be posting again for some time due to the circumstances. But since time is a factor id like you to post this on your page hopefully before Sunday. So very soon I will be out of your hair.

Everybody I know is telling me she is not worth the pain Iíve been putting myself through to be there and Iíve been arguing in her defense. But the truth is that I have bounced the 2 possibilities of what to do if she says NO.

1. Keep being her friend:
Keep suffering and probably get the exact same results. NADDA. By then she would know how I feel, so now I am waiting for her to take the initiative right? I will still be my polite, caring, flirting self, but now the ball would be in her court correct? So once again I should get her another gift even though she never gets me anything and I should try again and again and again and when does it stop?

Now, I know that if I do this, there is still a chance. But Iím still hurting and fighting a battle uphill.
I know that girls DONT like it when the guy says that they cant be friends after she says no especially since when BEST friends hook up they are supposed to promise each other that if they split up they will still be friends and I TOTALLY agree with THAT.

Because at least I will have gotten my chance. But to just stay there and be her friend and go through the mixed signals and the pain all over againÖI donít know if I have it in me. I mean is every relationship chance between best friends this painful to attempt? If so then why is it such a good way to start a relationship?

Right now Iím getting nothing but pain from this. Iím still not looking around or hanging out with any other girls. JUST HER. She has my full attention and yet nothing. So why in the name of all that is good and just after the beating Iíve taken emotionally should I take more just for the hope that she will see something in me that she likes now, when she has had 3 years already?!?!?!?

2. Stop being her friend.
Stop hurting in a sense, miss her terribly for a while but at least not making an effort time and time again and getting smacked around emotionally and possibly move on to see other people. Isn't there any chance that she will, possibly, in the not to distant future, might want to just see me again? Wouldn't that mean something? Nothing significant mind you, other than the fact that she wants to take the initiative to make an effort FOR ME.

Both of these are very different approaches but the truth is that no matter how much I try to think it over I keep coming up with nothing. My heart says, stay her friend afterwards to keep the chance alive, but my head says, donít go through this again.

I donít knowÖ since a week ago I thought I had the best chance with her in a long time then I see her again and its like she has forgotten how I kept her safe. I donít want a medal but how about she seems to remember it in the slightest? I ask her if she is okay or if she has had any problems with that jerk and she just changes the subject. And it is NOT a comfort thing, she tells me everything. More than I can bear sometimes. Itís like it never happened, same with the gifts I get her. HOW CAN ANYBODY NOT SEE THEM AS ďI care about you more than just a best friendĒ? Itís insane. Iím back to square one. So why should I think that a v-day gift would change anything?

Isnít it the thought and effort (like what Iíve been doing this whole time) more important than the way it is said? Are they all that shallow? Shouldnít the letter be more important then the envelope?!?
When you get right down to it isn't a relationship supposed to be care and honesty?

And what do you mean, ďill regret itĒ if I walk away and stop being her friend if she says no? This whole time I have bent over backwards caring about HER feelings. What about mine? Doesnít the door swing both ways?

If she says yes then I will be thinking wow thank you God! But if she says no then my choice about staying friends will be as predictable as the coin toss in the super bowl. I wonder if I will call heads or tails. Either way this painful game of emotions ends now.

All the GUYS out there who have been in my shoes wish me luck.

And Iíd appreciate it if you (the guys out there who've been in my shoes or just want to state your opinion in my case) were to just give me a quick opinion on whether I should stay friends with her or not if she says no. (The Speak your mind! Link) I just want to see what others think of this too.

Thanks, George

The best friend Sunday guy.

PS i truly appreciate the volunteers who respond to these like George. Advice
I hope things went well for you, unfortunately there is a large backlog of questions and yours just came up.

If you go into the situation thinking all or nothing, then you had better be ready for the possibility of nothing. And from what you've said (very eloquently I would add) it appears you are ready to cut off all contact with her. Just be sure that is what you want to do because it's going to be harder to back out of that decision than a decision where you stay friends. If you stay friends, you can always stop being friends later.

This advice is probably too late and I apologize.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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