My Guy is Wishy-Washy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I consider myself very close with this guy i know. We have known each other for about 2 1/2 yrs. About a month ago, he told me that i was one of the few people that really knows him. I had a really tough time there for a while and almost left town. What he said to me was that he loved me too much for me to leave. When i said i was about to the end of my rope with nowhere else to go, he told me to tie a knot and to hold on, that he would be my knot.
I know that the very best relationships start with friendship, but what i don't understand is whenever i feel like i'm getting closer to him, taking that friendship to a deeper level, he pushes me away. And then the next thing i know, he doesn't come around for a couple days, or weeks.....and then sometimes he shows back up dating someone whom doesn't seem like he even likes. On the other hand sometimes he comes back like he never even "disappeared". I don't get it, its confusing me and my emotions.
Sometimes i feel like he's keeping me on hold....in reaching distance, but he's not sure if he wants to be with me yet....like he has to date around first to be sure, but he doesn't want me to find someone else in the meantime....so whenever i start to "stray" he reaches out and pulls me back. He gets jealous...like i have a picture of my cousin in my room, and he saw it and got jealous and started quesioning me about who it was when it was just my cousin....or when at a dance i was dancing with this guy who is both of our friend and he was staring at us the whole time. That gives me the notion that he likes me, but he won't do anything about it...
he has never said he likes me as more than a friend or asked me out......and everytime i try to form that deeper friendship, he pushes me away. But then the way he looks at me and the things he says to me makes me want to hold on even though its all wishy washy. I have never told him that i have developed beyond friendship feelings for him, but i'm afraid if i do he will just push me away.
What should i do about this situation.....just ride it out and see where it leads, or take a step forward and tell him how i feel?
It definitely sounds like he is very wishy-washy!! He's jealous about you. But he doesn't want you too close. But he doesn't want you to leave. But you need to keep your distance.
He's worried about losing you and worried about being hurt if he lets you get close to him. So you need to show him that he can TRUST YOU. It sounds like he has problems with trust. You might even get him to go to therapy with you if you can manage it. Maybe go yourself for a week or two and then say the therapist wants to hear a friend's point of view on something you're discussing and bring him along. And then get the topic on how you guys relate to each other.
You can also just try talking to him about it directly. You guys are good friends and one of the things friends do well is talk about issues. I have suggestions on the site for setting the stage for a discussion - set the stage and then tell him that you don't like the feeling you get when he pushes you away. You don't have to say "I love you!" or anything like that. But it's fair to say to a friend, "How come you are building this wall between us?" That's a valid, normal thing for friends to try to figure out and handle. And if you guys can talk about this wall he builds, maybe you can find a way to get him to stop needing walls ...
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com