He goes Hot and Cold
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I feel so frustrated! Everytime I speak to my "guy friend", he acts as though he is so insincere and uninterested, but then when i talk to him about other guys that i am interested in, he tries to be more animated in his feelings and he tries to make it seem like he really wants to move forward in the relationship.
He is soooo fickle!! One moment he is really caring, understanding, and considerate, but the next he shows no empathy and he acts nochalant towards my ideas. What should I do? Should I move on and get with someone else more deserving or should I open up the lines of communication and try to work this mishap out? Pleeeeeease help me!!!!
It could be that he has learned how to be a guy by watching bad movies - or it might be that his own father acted like this and he thinks it's "normal". There are all sorts of reasons that people grow up and act strangely in relationships, thinking this is "the right way to act". Girls do this just as badly as guys sometimes. In essence he's sort of playing "hard to get".
You can't really blame him for having confused ideas, given the kind of world we live in. Guys get all sorts of mixed signals about how they are supposed to act. So do your part in helping to straighten him out. Really give him positive feedback when he is kind, gentle, listens to you, acts caring. And when he acts cold or standoffish, think of it as a mystery to solve. Are there others around that maybe he's "performing" in front of? Is there something else about the situation that might have set him off?
Don't scold him about it - that's rarely productive. But make sure he knows that you see the difference in his behavior. So say if you're in public and he does this because others are watching, say to him, "Oh, I see you're not really in the mood to talk. We can talk about this later." And casually leave. Don't do it in a mean way or in a way to attract attention. That would send the wrong message. Just do it in a "You're not being normal, we can talk later when you are" sort of way.
And then when you do talk later, comment that he was acting strangely back then, and that it bothered you. He can try to explain why or joke about it. No matter what, you've made it clear that you don't enjoy that situation and that you won't allow yourself to get stuck with him when he's like that.
The more that you give him positive feedback when he's gentle, and abandon him when he's not nice, the more he'll start acting nicely!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com