I am going to SHOW her how I have changed
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I submitted an inquiry about my girlfriend of 2 and a half years breaking up with me. She said "I don't think I can rekindle the feelings I once had for you, no matter how much you change." But I am determined to prove her wrong. I have thought very long and hard about this, and I have come up with a very practical solution. Instead of hounding her with "I want you back" which seems desperate and weak. (By the way I have a close friendship with her brother, and after she has some space and feels comfortable, we are all going to hang out again at his house often.) At first after the breakup, she said she needed space. Yet we talked online for just a few minutes at a time, and everything was okay, so I figured she was okay with having short convos. But later on she seemed very upset with me, and I know for a fact that I violated her space she requested. Right now I am making sure she has all the space she needs, I told her brother to let her know that I realize that I messed up, and that I am sorry for crowding her after she asked for space. Her response to that was "It's good he realized what he did was wrong, but it doesn't change anything." I know I crowded her too much in our relationship and I honestly do not want to do that again. It was unhealthy for both of us. So when her brother invites me over, I planned on asking her, "Are you absolutely sure that you are okay with me comming over? I know I violated the space you asked for before, and I do not want to be pushy or make you feel uncomfortable for my own selfish reasons." I think this may help the situation a little, because she will most likely realize that I have learned about her need for space, and why she needs it etc. Now, my idea. When we hang out (after she is comfortable with doing so). I am going to SHOW her how I have changed. Rather than talking about it. I'm going to help around the house (her parents house, she's in college.) Make sure that when I do talk to her, I keep it at a maximum of 15 minutes, to reassure her that I will not crowd her space again. Only if she seems entirely interested in the conversation, will I continue it past 15 minutes. Are there any other subtle hints I can throw out there? Any other ways to show her I care, but not something incredibly obvious? I don't want to directly show her that I want her back, I think it will make her feel uncomfortable. I simply want to show her how I have changed and what a good person I can be. Also, I want her to know that I am still the person she fell in love with, but that I have grown up, bettered myself, and become stronger. I honestly think if I do these things, then she might think to herself "Wow, he really has changed." Possibly rekindling her feelings for me in some way. Do you have any suggestions about further ways I can show her I care, and that I have changed, without being so direct? I want her to WANT me back, not to ASK her back. I truely feel that this plan could work. Do you see any reasons why it shouldn't? Also, is there anything that I should avoid doing/saying during this proccess? I feel that if I come right out and say it then it will just be too obvious and ruin my chances. I believe I have to show her that I am okay without her and that I am strong willed, but also that I still care about her. I know for a fact she thought I was smothering her, and that I thought I needed her rather than wanted her. So being too forward would probably just push her away. Does this sound like a good plan? Even though I have already violated her space once before? Is it too late?! I want to be her friend, but also want her put some ideas in her head about possibly liking me again because of how much I have grown since our breakup. One last thing. If my plan works, are there any signs I should look for? Anything she might say or do, that could possibly mean she is interested in me once again? I have a feeling she will be reluctant to do so, but maybe she will throw out a subtle hint or two of her own? WHAT SHOULD I DO!?
Your plans and ideas all sound reasonable to me.
Keeping your contacts cheerful and away from your relationship are especially important as is the 15 min limit.
It's never too late to try and you seem to understand that you need to proceed calmly and gently and not push her away. Things to do: don't dwell on the past, be positive about the future, and respect her feelings.
If she decides to give it another chance, she will make it very obvious because she knows that you are waiting for such a sign. So, don't get your hopes up too much if she seems to hint because it probably isn't one.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com