I want a strong relationship, he wants a casual one
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Hi. Im a 20 yr old female. My ex and I have know each other since Sophmore yr in HS. We were friends for about 4-5 yrs before we went out. And when we were friends, and not together, he was with a lot of girls. Not girlfriends, but just flings, one nite things, and things like that.
We started going out, and it was nice. We saw each other enough. I love him, and I know that I love him. We weren't only bf and gf, we were friends. We talked about everything, and just in case you need detail. Im a 20 yr old virgin. Not waiting for marriage, but waiting for the right guy. And he never pressured me. Actually, it was like when we would kiss and things, he would stop, and just pay attention to something else. So its not like he wants sex, or is trying to get sex. So I always thought that he respected me. And I know how he is with girls, and he's never talked to girls the way he would talk to me. He talked about marriage, kids, and living together. I was always the one to joke around about it.
So the part I need advice about is, we were together for like 10 months, and he alwasy acted like his friends were soooo important. He's with them more then he's with me. And when I explain to him that I would like to spend more time with him, he says that I can have him anytime, but I cant, obviously.
Well, I broke up with him, not harshly. And we both still care about each other, we've been friends for the past 5 months. And he still tries to get me back, but he still hangs out with his friends, and a lot of gurl that I dont respect or like. Girls that he's been with, and fast girls that would drop their panties in a minute. And I dont like that.
What do u think? Tell me everything u think, and dont be afraid to be honest with me. I can handle it. Im sorry my story was really long and u see a lot of them, but I would really appreciate the advice.
Well first, you guys have an EXCELLENT base for a great relationship. It is so, so important to be great friends with the guy, to really be able to just talk to him and be happy with him and to LIKE him. That is more important than looks or money or anything else. That's what helps you to survive years with someone, long after everything else fades away.
So it seems like the real issue then was he wasn't quite ready for a serious relationship. He cared for you a lot, but he was also fond of the "MTV Life" - going out with friends all the time, hanging out with flashy girls, etc. That all seemed very exciting and interesting to him - more so than spending time with you. We all go through phases in our lives. The things you think are thrilling at age 8 are boring when you're 15. It's hard to believe when you're deep in MTV-world, but there really does come a time in your life when clubbing all the time with different people all the time gets tedious. When it is SO much more rewarding to come home to your own house, to your family, maybe to your kids who adore you, and to spend the time with them.
Of course there are a few people who never settle down and who go clubbing until they drop dead :) But we're talking about most people here.
So anyway, your guy sees the flashy allure of the high life. And while he *knows* that what you are is incredibly valuable, and something that most guys would literally give up just about everything to be able to have, he just can't shake this current addiction he has to the flashy life. But he doesn't want to lose you either. He knows that at some point (maybe soon) that what you are is what he will desperately want. Men don't settle down with the drop-your-panties girls. The ones who do tend to end up miserable. Men settle down with women they love, who they can trust, who will be there for them and who they can be best friends with. That would be you.
So I would get together with him somewhere quiet where you can talk - I have a page on the site that talks about setting the scene for talks like this. And really discuss this with him. You want a BOYFRIEND. Not a guy that flits in and out and considers you one of his "groupie pile" - and a low-class one at that given the percentage of time you got out of him. You in fact DESERVE a boyfriend that will honor and respect you. I'm not saying this means he is your slave and is with you 100% of the time. But the whole point of BEING a boyfriend is that you are saying this girl is the most important person in your life. So she SHOULD be the person he thinks of first, the one he actively WANTS to spend most of his time with. Yes, he still has friends and does other things! But those should be *in addition to* what he has with you, not *instead of*.
If he is able to make that commitment to you, then you have a chance. But if what he wants is a 'casual girl to be there when I'm bored', that's not healthy for ANY girl. And you definitely deserve far better than that.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com