I realized that I would never get back with him
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Hello, well I used to write in here a lot a few months ago about a situation with my ex, and I really wanted him back.
Well ever since then, he's lied to me and treated me so bad, that I realized that I would never get back with him. After kissing me and telling me he loved me still, promising he cared for me and will always be my friend, he stopped talking to me for a month or two because he was falling for another girl. Then he told me he didn't love me anymore, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to hear.
Well, after nothing happened with her (she didn't like him) he came back to me, saying he misses me and stuff. This was a month ago maybe. We started talking again and becoming friends, but at this point I was a lot better about hanging out because I didn't want him back. I still love him deep down inside and miss him so much, but he treated me too badly. But he kissed me a couple weeks ago, and since then we have been intimate and he says he feels sometimes like he still loves me.
Well, the past week and today he's been ditching our plans and being rude to me again. Today he told me he spent the weekend with that same girl and it was perfect. I told him I thought he didn't like her anymore and he said "yeah, but things just took off quickly this weekend".
So I set myself up again to be hurt. I wanted nothing more but to be friends with him because he used to be my best friend for years, but somehow this just keeps happening. He's even told me that he's so sorry he did this to me so many times before (is intimate with me and stuff but then later likes someone else or something) and I told him "I can't believe you just did it again" and he just said "I didn't do anything". It's like he cares so much about me for a little while, then doesn't give a sh*t anymore all of a sudden.
I can't handle this being done to me over and over. I wanted so much to be friends with him and to work it out but this keeps happening. It has been 8 months now since we broke up and I still am hurt over and over by him, and can't be with anyone else. There has been a guy (we'll call him guy #2)that I really liked since my ex, but things kept happening with the ex, so I couldn't let myself be with guy #2 because I wasn't completely over my ex.
I don't want to end up hurting anybody because I can't get over my ex. Guy #2 and I are best friends right now, and I know he still likes me and I've made it clear to him that I'm still not over my ex. But last night and the night before I was at parties where a new guy, guy #3 came into the picture. He is my friend's ex from a few years ago, and he knows my ex and about the breakup and stuff. I've seen him around a few times since he and my friend are good friends, but never really talked to him before.
But the past two nights at the parties we have talked a bit. Guy #3 told me last night that he has liked me for years, which I didn't believe considering I've never really talked to him before. But he said he's seen me around and I'm gorgeous, and he always hears stories about me from my friends and about how sweet of a girl I am. Then he told me that he just wanted me to know that I'm so pretty and so great and one day guys will be breaking down doors to get to me, and that he's never felt compelled to say that to any other girl before. I just had trouble believing everything he was telling me. I did think he was really cute and nice the day before but after telling me that stuff I had trouble believing him. (p.s. the fact that he is my friends ex won't be trouble because my friend is dating someone and doesn't like guy #3 more than a friend, but guy #3 does go to school 3 hours away from me).
I'm just really confused in all of these situations. For months after my ex I just wanted to be single because I felt better that way. But it's been 8 months and I still feel like I'm not ready for a relationship. And I also don't want to just casual date, because I'm the kind of person who does like everything to be serious. I just feel like I can't keep using the excuse of "I still have a broken heart" for why I won't get into relationships with guys I like. I feel like I should be ready now but I'm just not and I don't see myself being ready anytime soon in the future. Do you think I should pursue anything with guy #3 just to get out there again, even though he lives so far? Was he being truthful?
And also, should I just stop trying to work out a friendship with my ex? I would think friends are hard to find but I don't know if the good of being his friend is out-weighing the bad. Also a couple weeks ago I wrote him a super long email telling him all of my feelings from when I met him up until now, things I had never told him, in an attempt to find closure and finally move on. I find it hard to move on mostly because I am still questioning the past to myself. I never know what it all meant, and I want more than anything to stop wondering to myself if he was just pretending to love me that entire time. I just want to look back on our relationship as a good memory and appreciate the fact that I was in love once. He told me he would write me back his feelings, because he's never told me. But he hasn't still. I've reminded him, and told him I really need it more than anything in order to just move on...but he isn't writing back. Now if I stop talking to him I'll never know, and the time I was with him (3 years of my life) will just be a big question mark to me that will keep bothering me.
Another point is that the two guys I liked (guy #2 and guy #3) I also don't find as attractive as my ex. I feel shallow because that's another reason I don't want to get too involved with them.
I am just at such a loss, any advice that could help me is really appreciated!! (If it makes any difference in the type of advice, I'm 19, my ex and guy #3 are 21, and guy #2 is 22).
You are not ready for any dating right now.
Don't let your ex get off the hook. You need closure on that and it should come before anything else. Keep at him.
As far as #2 and #3, I would wait before getting romantic with them. You need to have a happy heart and your ex isn't letting you have it. Call your ex and ask him straight out what was the deal with your relationship.
Once you have closure from your ex, you don't know how you are going to feel. Keep lines open with the other two guys. My sense is that #2 would be a better choice since he is closer.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com