His Ex is Back in the Picture
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months now and things have been great. He says that he loves me and I believe him and he asks about marriage a lot. But recently last weekend, he went on a business trip and his ex was there. he said they talked and he started getting these feelings again about feeling bad of how they broke up and that he wants to be friends with her.
I was hurt, but said that if he wants to be friends with her, that's his choice. well, ever since he got back he seemed distant and I asked what was wrong and he said he was frusturated and confused and needed space. so I haven't called him for a couple days... he then wrote me an email saying that he feels like his mind and heart weren't ready for such a commitment and that he was overwhelmed by his decision and needed to be a lone and have space to see who he was and wants to be. but that he WAS lucky to have me and he cares deeply for me...
I don't know what to do.... I want to work this out because I love him and feel like I maybe was being to needy and now he needs this space... what should I do? I don't know if I should call him and talk about it or wait for him to call, or what? Is he confused about his feelings for me and his ex? please help...
It sounds like they never broke up properly in the first place, if he was drawn back into the relationship with her again so easily. Did he start dating you when he was still on the rebound from her? So now he is playing the "balancing game" in his mind where he puts your qualities on one side, hers on the other and tries to figure out which one seems better. That's not a situation any of us like to be in.
It definitely wasn't fair for him to be dating you if he wasn't over his ex yet. And when he came back and knew that he was being drawn to his ex again, since you were his CURRENT girlfriend, you should have been his first priority. The current situation should always take precedence. Otherwise, what if he walked down the street and saw a cute girl? Would he say "OK, now I weigh my current girlfriend against her and ..."
You always have to work on your relationship you're in. Yes, if you work your hardest and it isn't right, then you move on. But you don't just decide 6 months into one that "Oh! Someone new is here! OK I get to decide what to do now, everyone just has to wait until I do." That's not very mature.
I would ask him over for dinner to talk. I have a how-to on the site about setting the stage for a talk. And then talk to him. You guys should always be best friends in addition to (or perhaps as the core of) anything else. So talk about your feelings. You guys should be fully committed to each other first. If there are issues, talk about them. But for him to just run off and figure he'll get back to you "eventually" when he's balanced you two women out isn't fair.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com