My partner spends a great deal of time behind the computer....

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
First of all, I'll do my best to be brief. I'm in a same-sex marriage with a person I met online and moved to Europe to be with. We've been together 5 years now and it seems like we are chasing our tails. This is the 1st significant relationship for me... previous ones for me were filled with deceit and lies. When we got together 5 years ago, during the dating stage of the relationship and I was still in the States, she had a fling of sorts with another woman she also met online... in my mind, this explains a lot of the jealousy issues I am still struggling with in this relationship. I want my marriage, more than anything else in this world, but it's hurting both of us the way it currently is. My partner spends a great deal of time behind the computer.... playing onlie games and chatting with people. We are 6 hours ahead of the people she is spending time with. Drinking loads of caffeine all day long allows her to stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning... only comes to bed once her online friends either need to go or are off to bed themselves. She keeps tellig me that she needs this time alone right now... she has school exams coming up and we've always had money troubles since my coming here. My feeling is the more she confides in them, the less she will confide in me, the more attached emotionally she is with them, the less she will be with me. She hates living here and wants to live in America (not possible, being that gay marriagfe is not accepted there...) and it feels like I've been included in the things here that seem to cause her stress and unhappiness. She says that isn.t the case, but that's how I'm feeling. I don't know which is up anymore.... I'm dealing with issues that she has never seemed to empathize with, the fact that I'm in a foreign country that speaks a language that no one else outside of this country speaks or needs to speak. I imagined a life with her that involved more than having to be okay with her sitting behind a computer screen whilst I'm laying in an empty bed all alone every night of the week... listening to her laugh with her online friends while all she does with me is moan about this ache and pain or crying about our money situation. I become so jealous sometimes that I act out in really strange ways.... getting up at 3:30 in the morning to go use the bathroom, then asking her when she's coming to bed. That one action has caused an argument for the last 3 months alone. I'm at my wits end... is this all just me???? Is it all from my jealousy???? Advice
Face it, she is addicted to the computer and online activity.

The adrenaline rush she is getting is what you have as competition. Since you have been together for five years the odds are good that she is set in her way by now.

Compromise is the solution that comes to mind. Have a long, deep, honest, loving and trusting conversation to try to get a handle on this problem.

No this is not all you. She is being unreasonable in what she is expecting from you. Few people want to be with someone who is in front of the computer so much and so late into the night.

See if you can work it out with her. Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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