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He broke up and is suddenly dating another girl

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
My boyfriend of two years recently broke things off with me. He said that he thought we both needed time and space to find ourselves. He thought that our relationship was just us and we didn't have anything outside of us. He said that he still really cared about me and wants to be friends, but just doesn't feel it anymore. He said he felt there was no spark between us anymore.

He is now, one week later dating a girl that he was friends with before we broke up. Do you think he broke it off with me to be with her? How can people just wake up one day and decide that they don't feel the same way for you anymore? I am really confused.

RomanceClass.com Advice
People definitely do not just "wake up" and change their mind about how they feel. It's a long, gradual process (well barring discovery of an affair or something like that). So it sounds like he has slowly been becoming unhappy with the relationship - but he never bothered to tell you about it. And you never noticed. So that sort of indicates that the relationship had some communication problems, that you weren't talking about if you were happy or what would make you happy or so on. You just let it drift and at some point the drift was too far.

Something that happens around 1-2 years is that people settle into a "mature relationship" - i.e. instead of the hormone-rush of excitement it's more settled and quiet. This is quite normal and is important if the relationship is going to last many years. You can't keep that hormone-rush level up forever! But some people just want the excitement. They don't want the longer-lasting mature form. So when they feel the excitement change into the deeper love they go jumping off looking for that excitement again. And again if you don't talk about your feelings or what is going on, there's no way to discuss the situation.

So anyway, it sounds like the relationship was maturing, he only wanted excitement, he didn't bother to tell you, you never noticed, and he's been looking around for a while. So when he saw something promising he finally told you he wasn't interested so he'd be free to start dating this other girl.

I would give yourself ample time to get over it and go through the rebound. While part of the problem was him not telling you he was not happy, part of the problem was you not finding out he was not happy. So I would definitely put that on your "work on!" list for the next guy - make sure you talk with him much more often and have a better sense with how he is feeling about things.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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