He's Getting Divorced, should I Take him Back?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
MY EX BOYFRIEND LEFT ME 3 MONTHS AGO TO GO BACK TO HIS WIFE. WE WERE TOGETHER 6 MONTHS AND LIVED TOGETHER AND WHEN HE LEFT ME I ENDED UP PREGNANT WITH TWINS AND HE TRICKED ME INTO THINKING THEY WERE GETTING A DIVORCE BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED. HE LEFT ME FOR HER BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE HE HADN'T TRIED EVERYTHING HIS LAST RESORT WAS TO TRY MARRIAGE COUNSELING SO HE COULD FEEL HAPPY ABOUT HIMSELF BECAUSE IF IT DIDN'T WORK AT LEAST HE KNEW HE HAD TRIED EVERYTHING.
HE SAID WE WOULD NEVER LAST UNLESS HE WAS HAPPY ABOUT HIMSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE COMPLETLY HAPPY UNTIL YOU MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY. NOW THEY BOTH WANT A DIVORCE BECAUSE THEY SEE THAT THINGS AREN'T WORKING OUT.
SHE TOLD ME TO COME GET HIM BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER WANTS HIM AND HE WANTS ME BACK AND I LOVE HIM STILL AND MISS HIM THAT I WON'T DENY, BUT WOULD I BE STUPID TO TAKE HIM BACK AFTER HE LEFT ME FOR HER?
On one hand you can say the guy was dishonest with you in the first place, living with you and saying they were getting a divorce. But for him to be living with you, it's not like he was "sneaking around" on his wife. They obviously had broken up and were contemplating divorce. It's common to waffle back and forth at that stage, trying to decide if there is any chance left or if there isn't. If anything, he should have not dated other people while he figured this out, while he was on the "rebound". So he made a mistake. But on the grand scale of things it was a relatively common one.
His desire to really "give it every chance he had" before he called it quits is actually quite a good one. He made a commitment to his wife. He wanted to make sure he really and truly had done all he could towards that commitment before he gave up on it. It means he values strongly things he says he'll do and is willing to work hard to get through issues. All of these are very important in a relationship.
And in the end, they did get a divorce and realize, jointly, that they weren't right for each other. Which means he doesn't have this "hanging over his head" any more, that he gave up too soon or that he should have stuck it out. It's now settled that the two simply weren't a good match. And now he is "free and clear" in many ways to start a new relationship - i.e. with you.
So all of those things are in his favor. What you need to think about now is what is right for YOU. Because while he is now happy and free and thinks you are right for him - make sure you really feel the same way. Yes, he was a great guy when he was "on the rebound". Most people on the rebound are great because they really want to prove to themselves that they are still attractive/wanted/etc. and tend to be overly nice and romantic and so on. Often how someone acts on the rebound is much different than they would act normally.
So I wouldn't leap into a relationship and say "OK we're perfect!" I would start dating him again, and see how things are NOW between you two. Don't expect them to be the same. Don't expect them to be better or worse. Just see how they ARE. See how he acts and treats you when there aren't any other distractions or excuses around. If he treats you well, cares for you, is tender and is supportive of the kids, then this is a great thing. But if he is not good to you or the kids, it's far better to be on your own than to be continually harassed by a guy. It is one of the worst forms of water torture that exists, and you are worth it (and your kids are worth it!!) to lead happy lives.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com