An Immature Ex Boyfriend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend of 6 years recently moved out while I was at work and left a "Dear Jane" letter breaking up with me. He moved back in with his parents and they are keeping me away from him at all costs. I have only tried to talk with him once, the day I came home to the letter, but they kept me at bay. I then called to arrange an exchange of belongings and his mother called back to negotiate the time and place. He has cancelled all of his email accounts. In short, he won't give my stuff back and will not speak with me. I was given absolutely no closure and it is driving me crazy. Any ideas about how one can get closure alone? Advice
That has got to be the most immature behavior I have ever heard of. And his parents are PARTICIPATING in this?? Are they raising a man, or a child that is going to cling to them because he's incapable of doing anything on his own? That is just scary that parents would not only condone such childish behavior but would actually encourage it.

You have a full right to your belongings. Period. Their cowardly behavior does not change that. I would talk to the mother and be very honest with her. Tell her that you are both adults. Breakups happen but they should be handled rationally - and if he is incapable of dealing with a breakup that this is when he should learn HOW to deal with it.

Her protecting him is like carrying around a baby so it never learns how to walk. It's the baby that's harmed in the end. But if you say that she'll just clam up because obviously she doesn't understand that. And at this point I imagine her brain is pretty well firm. So just say that YES you guys broke up. And YES so do MILLIONS of other people. And now is the time to DEAL WITH IT and that involves him opening his mouth.

And in any case, you as an adult have a legal right to your belongings. Either she arranges for you to get your belongings, like an adult, or she will hear from someone who will convince her to see reason. Yes, if you bring in a lawyer or police order that'll probably just reinforce their desire not to talk to you going forward. But I have to tell you, these people do not sound sane to begin with. So regardless of what they think and feel, you have to keep that in mind and protect yourself. Their inanity can harm their own lives all they wish - but do NOT let it harm yours.

I would chat with a therapist or counsellor or someone if you're having trouble getting through this yourself. I know I would be FURIOUS. You need people around you telling you that their behavior is wrong, and that you can't beat yourself up for making a mistake and trusting a guy who is so incredibly incapable of even the most basic relationship communications. There are simply some people in the world who are immature. You have to accept that, let them go be immature somewhere else, and go on with your life.

Good luck!!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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