Break up after 4 1/2 years

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My ex and I split up 3 weeks ago after living together for 4 1/2 years. Problems were mainly that he had difficulty showing how he felt and making a commitment to me so I felt insecure and kept pushing him all the time about marriage and kids. I was also a very snappy, negative person and made him feel unhappy and like a shitty boyfriend.( I am getting counselling for this now). He said in the beginning he saw us staying together for ever. He said he gave up trying to talk to me in the end because I would always shout him down. I still love him to bits and desperately want him back but he says it wouldn't work and we'd end up at this same point again. He says he cares for me and misses me a lot but is still sure he made the right decision and doesn't want to try again. We have met up for sex on a couple of occasions (which was better than when we were together) and talked about all sorts of things including the break up. He says he would like to stay in touch but only if he thinks I could handle it as he doesn't want to give me false hope. I've been going to counselling in an effort to sort out my emotions so that he can see the girl he first started dating. I've come to see the problems in our relationship and can now even see solutions to them, but he seems reluctant to start again. Shall I give him space but persevere or should I walk away from th love of my life? Advice
It's only been three weeks, but after 4 1/2 years it probably feels a lot longer.

First of all, you should be listening to your professional counselor rather than a stranger on the Internet. But you probably are looking for a different viewpoint.

My suggestion is to give him some space yet keep in contact. Do this by calling him only once a week to see how he is doing, to let him know you still care, and to maintain contact. Be cheerful, don't talk about your relationship, and limit the call to 15 minutes.

Try this for a few weeks (and let him know you are doing this on purpose) and see if it makes a difference. Perhaps he will miss you and want you back. Perhaps you will discover that freedom is beautiful. At any rate, after the few weeks play it by ear depending on how you two react.

Sorry you are in this situation! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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