I’m tempted to put a deadline on things
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am not sure what to do. I met someone a little over a year ago and am VERY interested in him but he’s not interested in me. Or at least, that’s what he said.
He’s 9 ½ years older than me (which is okay, I’m late 20's), from another culture (he’s European, I’m American), and believes that another woman is the right one for him. I have liked him for over a year now and from what I know of him, can honestly say that he’s one of only two men I’ve ever met that I could imagine marrying.
He believes this other woman is the right one for him but he’s told me that she doesn’t think so and in fact, she avoids him now. He's still holding out for her, though. When we had this talk about six months ago – where I told him that I liked him, and he explained about this other woman to me (I don't know her), he also said that he didn’t want anything romantic between us, “at least not right now” but that he wonders if he’ll ever get married, especially “when he meets people like me.” He also told me that he thinks I’m pretty.
I used to be very emotionally “involved” in him, meaning that I used to spend a lot of time thinking about him and being upset that he liked this other girl. A few months ago, though, I was able to let go of some of that and start seeing him as more of a friend. Part of it was that I started getting more attention from other guys, and especially from one American in particular. The interesting thing is that when I stopped being so wrapped up in him, he started paying me more attention and initiating more. He’s never communicated to me that he’s romantically interested in me, but some of the things he does seem romantic (gives me rides, pays for things when we’re out together, etc.) We’ve become better friends since I stopped being so emotionally wrapped up in him.
I’m living in his country here in Europe, and what I hear is that guys in this culture take much longer than Americans do to be VERY sure that they like the girl before they make a move. And, I know that he really wants to get married and that he’s getting older (he's late-30's).
However, this American and I have gotten to be closer and are starting to talk like we might get together even though it’s long-distance right now. If I’m honest about it, I’d say this European guy is definitely my first choice but that I’m tired of waiting on him. I don’t know if and when he’ll ever believe that another woman could be the right one for him and if I want to bet that he will give up on her and give me a chance. But if he were to change his mind – it would be hard for me to stay loyal to the American.
I’m tempted to put a deadline on things and say, “if he doesn’t make a move by this day, I’m gonna concentrate on the American.” As it is, I feel guilty because I like them both – I’m still, through friendship, trying to convince the European to like me, but have told the American that the European and I are “just friends.”
I know this is complicated, but if you have any advice I’d appreciate it. I’m also scheduled to come back to the States next summer but may try to stay here. This decision/situation will affect my geographic location and could also affect my marital status.
Why not ask the European guy what he thinks you should do?
This will put him on the spot to make up his mind or to set a deadline himself. You are always free to change your mind if you need to.
The American guy sounds like a rebound and if you have never met him my advice is to not consider him in your thinking about the European.
You are right in trying to sort this out as soon as possible as your future hangs in the balance.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com