Inter-Racial Dating

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Hum, hello! I've been reading your answers and found some of them helpful for some of my friends but i really need mine address more personally. See, I'm am in a inter-racial relationship (19 months) and i feel it's all falling apart. Recently my boyfriend has been talking about his ex and talking of taking her to the prom next yr ( i cant go w/him-my parents wont allow it :( ). I think he's been talking to her too much lately and his feelings for her are starting to show through again...i've asked him lots of times but he doesnt ever want to talk about it. in fact he never wants to talk about anything to do with our relationship...

Ever since my parents went crazy because he was a different race...and his friends have been giving him a hard time about us...he hasnt stood with me in the halls at break and only says a few words between classes...He tells me he loves me every day and says nothings wrong and that i should trust him...but i dont know. Things have gotten so crazy between us...he even tells people we dont go out anymore. He dont want people talking about us...or picking at him... i think that if i could get him to realize it doesnt matter what other people think about us being together...i could maybe get his attention back on me instead of his ex or other people who have somnething to say... :( Can you help at all? I've really got to the point i'm Advice
It really just amazes me that in the year 2003 people could really care what color someone's skin is. It was over 200 years ago that people like Thomas Jefferson fell in love with a black woman and had children. Countless millions of families nowadays are made up of people of different races, and are quite happy. Can you believe that back in 1900, that Irish were considered a bad "race" - that Italians were a bad "race"? Nowadays, do people really care that someone is Irish or Italian? It is all an inane bias that a few people still have - apparently including your parents and his friends.

Love is about two brains, It has NOTHING to do with body shapes, colors, or anything else. What if you had giant breasts and he had small muscles? Would his friends say "Stay away from that woman- she has big breasts"? Would your parents say "That guy has small muscles - find someone else!" Probably not. But they are able to latch on other equally meaningless aspects of a body. Like he had a choice about his color! Like you had a choice about yours! Like either one matters!!

I know it's hard when you're younger. I was of course younger too at one point in my life :) :) But one of the BIGGEST things you learn growing up is that it is YOUR LIFE. It's very, very hard when you are living with your parents and they are feeding you and clothing you and guiding you to consider this. But they are doing a job of launching you INTO THE WORLD. And it is YOUR LIFE you will lead in this world. NOT theirs. Not anybody else's. In fact, and I don't mean to be harsh here, but they will die at some point in the next decades. You are the one who will continue to live, perhaps have children, and keep going. When you leave their house, you will NOT live with them, you will live on your own or with someone YOU love. You aren't going to live with someone THEY love!! The person in YOUR house will affect YOUR life and you are the one who has to deal with that choice 365 days a year. They will maybe visit you a few times each year on holidays and call you at other times. They have NO right to decide who it is that you share your life with!!

Neither does his friends. Friends can be real jerks sometimes. They miss their "bar buddy", they want their friend to stay single or stay "with the crowd". They want to preserve their fun and don't care necessarily about his happiness. So again, it's not easy. But he has to choose what's best for HIM. Because no matter how great high school or college buddies are, they are NOT ETERNAL. They can seem incredibly close at the time. But believe me, after a few years, the ones who last are the ones who TRULY care for you and support you. The ones who harass you and want their own goals vanish as soon as the situation changes.

So in any case. If you love him, talk to him. All relationships are built on honesty. Don't let him sidestep. Tell him you will stick with him no matter what your prejudiced parents are spouting. That soon they won't matter. Ask him to stay with you no matter what his selfish friends are pushing. True love isn't that common in this world. It is worth fighting for.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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