Tempted by my First Love
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have know this guy ever since I was 13, he was my first love! I am now 21 years old. I am in a rocky relationship right now, and it looks like it's not going anywhere. Throughout the years I keep thinking about my first love. Well we have been emailing each other for a couple of weeks now. He knows im in a relationship and so is he. I have always kept a part of him in my heart, and I still love him after this long. Now he wants us to meet for a night, but im not sure on what to do. I don't want a one night stand, I love him and always will. I need advice on what to do!!!!!
It sounds like you're both bored / unhappy with your current relationships, and remember the fun you had together in the past, and it's very alluring. Memories are usually of the 'great fun' times and it's easy for old fun memories to seem much better than the day to day boring realities. So that's pretty normal.
I really have to warn you that you shouldn't ever abuse a current relationship by damaging it mid-stream. Either you're going to work on your current relationship with your boyfriend, in which case you shouldn't be running off with the other guy. Or you're just not interested in making this current relationship work, in which case you should tell him and break it off, and then examine your options.
It's not fair to anyone to keep a relationship going and also see other guys on the side. I can't imagine that your boyfriend is thrilled with your relationship if you're unhappy in it. A happy relationship involves two happy people, and you're not happy. So for him to be trying to keep the relationship working, or at least not actively destroying it, and then for you to run out and undermine it is incredibly unfair. Heck, he could find someone he really likes and that really likes him, if you two are really that unhappy. Instead, he's dealing with your relationship. You owe it to him to also deal with it, or to call it quits.
Relationships are all based on trust and honesty. If you're dishonest and cheat on him, it hurts him greatly because it proves that his trust in you was wrong. It will make it really hard for him to trust someone else in the future. It also harms you, because you're proving your inability to be honest with someone you are in a relationship with. And if you can't have that, then your chances of happiness in future relationships is damaged. It's like a bad habit. Also, of course, anyone else that learns about it will now view you as someone they can't trust.
So anyway, I strongly recommend that if you're unhappy in your current relationship, get out of it. Life is too short to spend it with someone you're really unhappy with. Especially if you're in your early 20s. During that time it's relatively easy to find other single men because most people at that age haven't hooked up yet. But if you wait until you're 25 or 30, more and more people have 'paired off' and it gets harder and harder to find a great match.
As far as your ex goes, it sounds like he's very willing to cheat on his girlfriend and is trying to encourage you to do the same. This is a big warning sign, that he doesn't have enough respect for someone that he's claiming to be with to maintain that relationship. If he's willing to break up with her, and then give you both time to get over the 'rebound' issue, then I heartily wish you both all the luck in the world. But if his aim is just to use you for the 'fun' and sleep with you and then go back to his girlfriend ... that's not very encouraging.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com