She Cheated, how do we go on?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
How can I deal with my jealousy about my girlfriend hanging out with her guy-friends...after she cheated on me with one of them? We have been together for almost 2 years, and I had learned to stop being jealous before. We were both loyal to each other, and honestly this is completely out of the blue. One week, when she started a new job, she suddenly didn't have time to talk to me for about 4 or 5 days. When I saw her again, she told me she had cheated on me with one of her friends. That night, we talked about it...I think it was the hardest night of my life.

We want to keep trying with our relationship. However, I have my old jealousy problem back again...a friend of hers that is like a brother to her is visited her for the evening, and she asked that I not stop by that night, 'cause she wanted to talk to this friend about everything that had happened, since it has been hard for us to discuss it since then.

Is there any way I can deal with being so upset about this? Advice
A relationship is all about trust in each other, knowing that you each choose your relationship over other drives and concerns. So she definitely betrayed you in a very basic manner, choosing to sleep with this guy instead of honoring her commitment to you. That doesn't just "happen" - that's a deliberate choice she made. Many, many people are tempted while in relationships - and most people choose the relationship over that temptation. She did not, even though she easily *could* have.

The problem with someone who chooses to do that - choose her own pleasures over promises made to her partner - is that you don't have faith that she will choose any differently in the future. So you have *every* right to be upset and concerned.

It is up to her to rebuild your trust in her. And the way to do it doesn't involve triggering your jealousy by running off to talk to another guy without you there. If you two are not talking well together, that should be her *primary* concern. She should be working on talking with you, talking about it fully. You are her partner in life, that should be her main focus. It shouldn't be talking to other people at your expense.

Just to clarify, I am VERY much in favor of boys having female friends and girls having male friends. I think this is incredibly important for people. So her having a good male friend isn't the issue. But she can talk to him over the phone, and spend her evenings with YOU getting through the situation. She's the one who cased it, with her infidelity. She needs to be extremely proactive in repairing the harm with YOU.

If she's just not going in this direction, it really might be time for a therapist or counsellor or someone else 3rd-party to help you both out.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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