Is this hopeless or is there hope?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I posted a question in the, "Getting Closer To Someone" category a short while back, about my current gf who says hurtful things like, she had just been intimate with another man, but really wasn't and said it just to hurt me, because I made her angry about something, always petty or that she feels i'm playing a game with her and our relationship, which i'm honestly not! And I explained how she was raped, for the second time just back on Sept. 9th, 2005 by her ex-husband, whom she divorced 10 yrs ago, and this last time at knife point, in his mothers house, because the two of them were there together to call their son who is out of state, on a trip. This happened just before I started dating her, and we had met before this time, but never were friends or knew one another, other than a one time hello in passing.
Anyway, having given a little background... the issue is that because of that incident, she is an emotional roller coaster, which to be honest affects me emotionally, and i can tell i'm, "not myself" and it has been hard, but something i'm willing to endure through and plan to at this point. But, then not being myself, therefore affects her back, because i might get upset about something, or have a trust issue because of what she's said to me recently about her infidelity, allbeit untrue and meant to "Get Back At Me" for whatever reason, and now im sensitive to anything that might be construed wrong, or her telling me it's "Over! Done! I'll make one call and then i'm moving on!", etc..
Needless to say, for this being a relationship in its infancy(approx. 4 mos. old), it's not a good situation. I know it boils down mostly to, how much i can endure and am i willing to put up with, during this time in her life. The only that keeps me going, is when she does have good days, and when she does, our days are as perfect as can be... getting along without a single arguement, discussing things and not arguing them, laughter and smiles, incredible sex that she tells me she has never experienced and that she has been someone who sex has been a chore for to perform, but she cant believe how much she wants me and at times feels she cant get enough of me, and that she is shocked and can't believe herself how she's acting and how much she likes being intimate with me. So there are some bright spots mixed throughout these 4 mos. Wanted to get something positive in there. Ugh! Anyway, last evening, thanksgiving day, simply because it was a holiday, and she isnt a holiday person much, and doesnt like many, she was stressed from the time she woke up, i could tell she was acting fidgity, nervous, almost shaking, her son calls up and talks down to her, about not going up to she her father, when she planned on it, just hadn't got there yet(she never did go see him, even after i encouraged her to and finally just said, you need to and to not is wrong, since he is older, living alone and has parkinsons disease.) therefore, leaving her stressed out, and if awake argumentative and not making sense in her arguements, or sleeping. Those two things and nothing else. Well finally, that evening, i said i thought she should go home and she agreed abrasively and standoffishly, being the stubborn person she admits she is. Well, while at home, she told me its over over the phone and i was hurt, i went over there to talk to her, and said, "If you want it over, i accept that, but i wont accept it being done via telephone, and if it's going to be so, i wanted to gather a few things i had at her apt.. Well, she said she was having trouble believing i have been honest with her about our relationship, and that im not playing a game with her and she wanted to ask me some questins and wanted me to answer them honestly. I said well of course i will be honest with you, i never have not been so ask away. She asked me her questions, i answered honestly, and she felt much better. Im embarrassed to say this(i know i know...), we cried, we talked and we agreed on the big issues like that ive been trying to improve our relationship, get advice, etc.. and that she hasnt invested much of anything into getting help, but note. i told her i know it has to be done along her time frame and that i wouldn't want to pressure her into doing anything, however small, but let her do it at her pace, and that we both really did want to make it work out and we both agreed it will be alot of work and a hard road ahead. I then left with her feeling better, and myself as well, and went home. Well late that evening, like 2am, i happened to be on the net, and her son, who is 16, and doesnt know much about what happens between the two of us, suddenly called me up and started in on me about playing games with his mother, called me a mother F***er, and that if i messed with his mom, im messing with him... well needless to say, that set me off, and i said, listen here you F***'n punk, dont talk to me like that and sure as hell dont lecture me about blah blah blah... and i hung up because i didnt want it to get even nastier. Well he then got on the computer, and on instant messenger, went on this rant, all of this occurring without her knowledge, she fell asleep when this happened, and he logged in under her account and name on messenger by the way, and continuing to accuse me of playing games with her, and proceeded to tell me how she doesnt want anything to do with me, that i smother her(more like she smothers is anyone does), and that just a couple days ago, she was sick for 2 days, and i didnt get so much as a call from her and didnt know what was up, because she was sleeping for 2 days, which is fine, but that has never happend, since she is the type who calls multiple times daily to touch base with me, since in easliy available(business owner allows me to be), and i had called like maybe 10 times throughout the day when i had a chance to try and reach her to make sure she was okay. I worry because of her ex, and he does still go over there on occassion, because of their son, even though she has a protection order out on him, and he legally cant go anywhere near her period, no matter who lives there or for any reason. By the way, he does and she doesn't enforce the order ever! Says her son begged her not to send his father back to prison. Yeah he is a level 3 sex offender and had been sent to prison in 96 for raping her back then. Anyway, he proceeds to say she shut the ringer off because i called that many times and she didnt want to talk to me, and the time he answered my call, he lied to me for her... thats where it ended and has stayed because i got off the net, upset and disturbed that just after we had this heart to heart, i get told this stuff, which is totally opposite of what her and i just expressed towards one another not even 2 hrs before then. Finally, WHAT DO I DO? I told her this morning, what had happened with her son and i, and she said she didnt know about it at all, because she was sleeping, and i told her this could be a problem, and that she might want to figure things out with her son, and find out, if at all possible, if this is going to be a continuing problem with him taking it upon himself to say things to me, unfounded and out of bounds, etc.. She then cut me off and as she sighed, said she didnt want to talk about it right now and she wanted to go back to bed, and then hung up on me. I was like OMG! I cant believe this... Is this hopeless or is there hope? I know it sounds dire!
It is possible that she is lying about being raped in September by her ex-husband. I wonder why she did not have him arrested. But maybe there is some solid explanation for her not doing that.
In any case, you must be really in love with her to put up with her behavior. If you are just feeling sorry for her then my advice is to leave her. Plus, now you have her son who sounds as emotionally disturbed as she is.
For your own peace of mind you ought to call it quits.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com