My Ex Keeps Me for Intimacy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend from two in a half years broked up with me almost seven months ago. He told me that there was nothing wrong with me but that we needed a break.
Two days later we ended up having sex and this being going on for the past six in a half months. I love him dearly but and I still want to be with him... but like this. I'm trying to find a way to let it out and let him know that I still want to be with him, but like this not on a frienship with priviledge way. How can I do this?
Well first, obviously something was wrong if he wanted a break. People don't ask for breaks in happy relationships. You two still get along and still enjoy the sex. So something else bugged him. The fact that you've stayed together all this time means that it wasn't something big about "the relationship". It was something in his perception of it. Maybe he didn't want to be "tied down" because he still wanted to be free to see others in case something better came along. There could be all sorts of other reasons and just guessing at them won't do much good.
It's completely reasonable for you to want to have a boyfriend that is committed to you! Right now you are being a girlfriend in every way and not having any commitment as a result. That's not fair. But your aim of course is to get him to BE your boyfriend so take this discussion in a slow manner.
I have tips on the site about setting the scene for an important discussion. When you have done that and have your quiet, relaxed place to talk, explain that you still love him dearly and that you want to have a commitment with him, to be monogamous to him. That this is very important to you. Ask him how he feels about that. If he says he doesn't want to, ask him why. Not in a "Why, you jerk!!" way but in a "I really want this to work, what is the obstacle you see?" sort of way. You want to really look at anything he says as a "Oh, this is something that together we can find a solution to" issue. Always talk about things as small issues that together you can find an answer to. It's a whole mindset thing that might help him realize that you two ARE a team now, and that the concerns he has can really be handled.
Don't let him just brush it off as "I don't want to." People always do things for reasons even if they want to avoid taking responsibility for those reasons. If you guys have been together for this long you *deserve* to know the reasons for him acting the way he is.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com