Friends and Lovers
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
ok, i have a friend who we have grown up together and have known each other all of our lives and for a whole year she dated my best friend and then broke up but for the past 6 months, they fight and fight and fight about stuff and about how want to wait and then they fight and stop talking and end up talking which will lead to another fight. this goes on and on everyday.
During spring break she had talked to one of her friends and one night she came out to me saying she had feeling for me and i told her i did too, i just never said anything. the problem is that i have a girlfriend and i think ive had feelings for this girl a long time but never said anything.
About 4 days ago i kinda broke up with my girlfriend but i feel so bad and i didnt want to hurt her and i dont want to tell her that i think im in love with this other girl. We still talk and stuff just as we did when we were actually together.
This weekend we spent time together and it was great, but then her ex calls and they still fight! My question is what should i do? about my ex/girlfriend and about my friend who we both have feeling for, but still fights with her ex-boyfriend? thanks
It may seem like you have a really strange, tangled mess here, but this sort of thing happens ALL the time. People tend to become fond of the people they hang around with. So it's really common for friends to become daters, and daters to then date their other friends, and for best friends to date the people their best friend used to date, and so on. It can get very confusing.
The best person to date is always your best friend, and sometimes best friends just can't get along as 'daters' and go back to being best friends again. It's a very fluid line. You don't want to hurt someone, but you need to be with the person that is best for you, and it's not always the person you are currently with. So you try to minimize the pain to another person while looking for the best match for yourself.
So, in any case. You really care for this girl you've known forever. And she cares for you. That's great! And you broke up with your current girlfriend because that relationship didn't seem as strong to you. Which is also good, because the worst thing you can do is try to juggle two people to "test it out" and see which is better. You really need to focus on ONE relationship to really try to make it work. It's really best for your ex, because she deserves someone who is fully focussed on her - not someone who is juggling 2 different girls. So now that she is free from you, she can find that guy who is truly focussed on her alone.
OK, so you and your ex can still be friends, which is great. Now it's time for you and this other girl to work on things together. Obviously her ex is NOT the guy for her if she and he fight all the time. Fighting is NOT HEALTHY. It may seem on TV and movies that couples fight because it's part of passion. It is NOT - it just makes for interesting movies to watch. Couples can be greatly passionate and still have respect and love for each other which means they *discuss* issues and do not *fight* about them.
It would be really dangerous, though, for you to try to get yourself into that situation (the fighting). If you start to get involved and suggest she stop talking to him or something like that you will become part of the focus of that anger. So just stay clear of it. Support her, be her sounding board, but don't get involved in those fights. If she asks, maybe say that fighting a lot wears out a person, that if someone has a tendency to get you that angry, it's best to stay clear of them for your own sake. Life is too short to spend it angry when you don't have to be! It's better to seek out things that make you happy and to enjoy life. So find ways to be happy with her and do things you both enjoy. Hopefully she'll start realizing how much better it is to be happy, and naturally start avoiding the angry situations with her ex. But you need to be patient and take that slowly. Again, if you try to just drag her away from her ex - even though he's not healthy for her - you will become the 'troublemaker' and you don't want to be in that situation.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com