Fears in a Long Distance Relationship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I will start like this...about 2 years back i lost a gal that i loved so much even tho it was a long distance relationship and i've never eactualy met her in person..the relationship lasted for about a month and a half but i was devastated and it took me about 1 year to recover..

During the one year of recovery time i rejected 4 gals who confested to me on the trot. Preasure around me started building i kinda forced my self into a relationship with this gal A. At the same time i had feelings for B but i could not tell her because i thot i was not in the same league as B.

When i told B about A B reacted angrily and that was when i knew she had the same feelings for me which she later admited. After 4 months with A i finaly broke up with her because A had a terible character and we did not click at all. B waited for me for 3 months some times she even made noise about being side lined and all..

In Nov i started my relationship with B. It was still a long distance relationship. In all honesty i love B with every beat of my heart. She means the whole world to me and i knew at that time she was special. If i thot i loved the first gal alot i loved B a million times more.

B has had a terible pass with two failed relationships the second being very very bad. She told that she had fear to love me and to commit. I told her that i loved her alot and that i would be by her side always to ease her fears away. I told her i really loved her alot and she need not be worried about anything. Over the 4 months of our relationship she kept on bringing this matter up and i always told her the same thing. It hurt me alot when ever she said things like this. Over time i loved her more and more and we had some great times together. I knew then that i would never be able to live without this gal and even told her so.

Last week we met up for the first time. We had exchanged photographs a long time b4. I was very excited meeting up the gal i loved so much..But during the last hour of the date she asked me something... "Wat if this relationship turned sour" and i asked her why..she said because of me finding another gal who is more interesting and that her parents objecting to us.

So i assured her again that i loved her alot and that it was imposible for me to find another gal and told her that her parents issue came in the future and that together we could solve it. She kept on dwelling on the issue until she finaly said that she needed a 3 month break.

I was devastated that she would actualy ask that. I thot i could live knowing that she was not mine for 3 months. SO i agreed. It was a long journey home sometimes fighthing tears and always loosing the batle.

I admit i cried alot along the way. Coz the pain was unbareable. I got back home and slept. I woke up in shock because i heard her calling my name. I got up and started searching for me but then i realised i was in my room and there was no way on earth that she would ne calling me. 1 day passed. On the second day in ther afternoon i wrote to her saying that i needed her back and that i could not go on anymore with out her.

She wrote back saying that she could not bring her self to be my gf anymore coz she would be leing to me and her self and that her pass had left a permenant scar in her life. I wrote back and told her that i would always love her and reassured her all over again and told her that i needed her and that i could never live life with out her. Devastated i called her and asked her wat was going on. B4 i could say anything she said she has been leading me on for 4 months.

I told her i loved her alot and she said she knows. I asked her if she had feelings for me and she said yeah since i m a nice guy and all. She said when she meets a guy she gets a feeling if the guy is right for her or not and she dint had that feeling for me.

Its so hard for me accept it. Looking at my mail box and reading her mails bring tears to my eyes. Thinking of all the conversations we had the jokes we shared the time she told me "i love you" it really hurts alot.

But i love her soo..trust me i really do..and i wrote to her again saying that we should try it again oni thing in a physical relationship this time. Anyways april was suppose to be the last month we had this long distances relationship and in may we should have been together.

I told her that i loved her soo much and since she had that lil bit of feelings for me i dint want to throw it all away. And asked her if she would wanna think about having a second shot at the relationship a physical one. I told her with me being there for her all the time it would go some way to killing her fear and slowly allowing her to love me and commit to me..

We had spoken over the last two days. I never brought this topic up as on friday and saturday she is having her test and i dint wanna distract her..

As it is i have no zest or spirit to live anymore. I've build my entire future plans around her. WAt ever i've planned in the future has her in it. Including my education and career path. I fill so lost now. I just dont wanna do anything at all..

Everyday i m praying a million times asking god to return my love to me..

I dunno if she is even gonna agree to think about the matter. And if she agrees to think i dunno if she would agree and after that i dunno if it would work out.

RomanceClass.com Advice
First off, it sounds like the girl you're dating really needs to talk to someone. Is she a teenager? If so, find her a trusted adult to talk to. People are married in bad relationships for YEARS AND YEARS, come out and have incredibly happy lives. Yes, she had a bad relationship or two. Believe me, there are MILLIONS of people out there who have had bad relationships! It's part of life and growing up. It's a NORMAL thing. She's not "scarred for life". She has done a normal thing that helps people mature. If she never has relationships, how does she learn what works and what doesn't work? Most relationships fail. That's how life works. They are all training grounds for you to learn how to HAVE a relationship, so that eventually you end up in one that really works well and have already worked through learning how to handle issues. By obsessing over these 2 relationships, she's the only one hurting herself.

Her thought that "I would know instantaneously if you were the perfect guy for me" is also incredibly wrong. That is NOT how people work. It takes a person several months to get to know another person. How could you possibly know on just a meeting or two if someone was right for you or not? A real relationship is based on knowing someone really well and understanding them. It takes a while to get to know someone well enough to know what they're really like. It sounds like she might be basing her mate-choices on what they look like or maybe the sound of their voice, both of which are really, really silly ideas.

These sorts of insecurities and misunderstandings come from within her. You won't be able to just talk to her and convince her otherwise, as you've already found out. She needs to talk with someone who she will listen to, and realize that she needs to become more realistic about her view of relationships, if she wants to be happy in life. If she won't talk to a therapist, is she still in school? Maybe a school counsellor. Or even a family member. Some adult should talk with her about her way of viewing her world, and give her a hand with it.

Now, on your side. Love is NEVER about wanting to possess someone. It's never about wanting to "MAKE HER MINE". It is about caring for someone dearly and wanting the best for that person. It means that you are happy on your own - happy with the life you have - and that you *then* enjoy sharing that life with the person you care about. It sounds like instead you have been basing your life *on* this girl instead of *with* her. Your career path should be one that makes YOU happy. The whole point of being with someone is that you make her happy and she makes you happy. But the only way you can make someone else happy is if you're happy to start with.

So the fact that you completely lost your goals and aims because she wants to take a break is a bad sign. People want to be with people that are happy, and that have a path in life. Think of it in this way. She is feeling unsure and says "I want us to take a few months to work on things as friends." You can either say:

* I care for you and want us to be happy. I will spend these 3 months becoming an even better person, reading books, sharing my thoughts with you on them, because our friendship and caring will last years. A few months is nothing.

or you could say:

* Three months? No way! I can't survive three months! Sorry, I am going to be a nasty, miserable, destroyed wretch and you've ruined my entire life. I don't have any desire to learn anything or be anything now.

Which do you think she'd rather hear? Do you think she would want to be with someone who is a little glob of earth when she's not around, that has no dreams or desires or aims for himself? Very few of us would. And what of the thought that you can't last 3 months without her "belonging to you"? That is a pretty awful feeling, that you have to be possessed in order to be cared for.

So you really need to spend some time *yourself* talking to someone about this. The best way that you can guarantee that you will remain close to this girl is to take better care of *yourself*. A strong relationship is based on a strong friendship, which is based on two happy people. And it's a relationship you assume will last for many years - so small breaks of 2-3 months shouldn't be problematic at all. Heck, how about all of the military families where someone is away for 6-12 months at a time? Those relationships are VERY strong and are between great friends that care for each other. To say that a 3 month break is a relationship-destroyer is to say the relationship was pretty weak to start with.

So first off, make sure that YOU are happy. That YOU have a plan for yourself that you like, that you have hobbies you like. That you find things in your world that bring you joy. Next, this girl should first and foremost be your FRIEND. The most important thing that any two people can be - *especially* a boyfriend and girlfriend - is best friends to each other. So that means you care for each other, you talk to each other, you support each other. It does NOT mean you make demands of each other and insist on titles or names or anything else. She says she wants to take a break for a few months. Maybe you were being too pushy and she wants to make sure your *friendship* is really strong and true, since friendship is THE most important part of any relationship. So this is the period of time to prove to her that you ARE her best friend, that she can trust you, and that you are a person who has direction and is happy. That is the sort of person she will be drawn to and want to spend more time with.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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