Destroying a Perfectly Good Friendship

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have a real BIG problem needing some major advice. This is long story so let me give the details. I met a lady here at college. We met in class fall semester and exchanged great eye contact and smiles. But the semester ended before I could make a move. Spring semester rolls around and WE are in the same class together again. Again we exchange the eye contact and smiles. So I began to say hello to her and she would say hello back.

Then early in this semster I asked her to sit with me in class and she did so without hesitation. We hit it off. WE had everything in common, growing up in simular small towns, the same life styles, same hobbies, same goals in life and we are even going to be in the same profession, school teachers. So the next time I saw her in class We sat apart. But we both smiled and said hello.

After class, I approached her and during the short conversation I asked her how her weekend was and she mentioned her boyfriend, saying "just sat with my boyfriend as usual." So I ignored that statement. The next time I she sat near me on her own but quickly mentioned her boyfriend again while talking. So After that I shut her down for a while, not sitting by her, not talking to her, not smiling... nothing. In fact I talked to other girls in the class. During this time she tried to sit by me, kept trying to smile at me, kept trying to talk to me and otherwise doing everything she could to get my attention. While talking to me she would remember things I said, even to other people. She would remember places she has seen me at. And she would take interest in my things in trying to make conversations, but then throw in her boyfriend again saying something like "yeah, my boyfriend blah blah blah..." I just kept showing little interest.

Finally I broke down and we began talking again- When I did she never mentioned the boyfriend and showed good interest in me. So few days later I asked her out. I suggested a hike at the state park one afternoon. She said maybe lunch-but I said hiking was more fun. Then she turned me down to the boyfriend. Of course I ignored that saying "he must not be making you happy." But she insisted in not going with me.

Annoyed by all this, I told her to stop talking to me, and stop being so nice to me and trying to socialize with me if she wasn't interested in spending time with me. She got really mad just then. Well this seemed to have really hurt her bad. I could see it in her face the next time I saw her as I ran into her unexpectly. She looked very dejected, depressed and devestated.

Now she sits alone in class, doesn't participate in group activities, doesn't talk to anyone except the instructor. So I tried to appologized and said that while she has a boyfriend I wanted to be her friend- but she will have nothing to do with me, and avoids me. But I'm totally confused because while she sits alone in class, she keeps sneaking peeks at me and looking at me. Several times she turns all the way around to look. They are not mean looks just a gaze at me, but then slowly turns away when I see her.

I sit in the back left corner last row working and laughing with my friends, shes in the front right corner first row by herself. But outside class she still avoids me. -- My question is-- why, Why WHY, is she acting like this and what was her goal in all this. If she has a boyfriend whats up with all this behavior (even from the start). One major fact in all this- I know she is from a town of 1000 people!! And she's from a troubled home (violent and parents divorced). I know she's extremely insecure- how much does all this mean? And now is there any hope for any kind of friendship/relationship?
Please help me understand!! Advice
Yikes, what kind of mind games are you playing with this girl?? The girl is friendly. You know, boys and girls can be FRIENDS and it's extremely healthy. Many, many girls have best friends that are boys, who are NOT their boyfriends. This is a normal thing in life. So this poor girl tries to be friends with you because she likes you, and you start completely going from hot to cold and back again.

So what if she has a boyfriend? Does that mean she can't be friends with you? You seem to have male friends - are you saying the only reason a female can be around you is if you're interested in them sexually? That would be a really mean way to treat half of the population of the world.

You need to try to rebuild the friendship if you want to talk with her again. Friendship means you enjoy what you have with each other - you NEVER make demands like "I will only be your friend if X or Y" or "I will only talk with you if you agree to spend time with me." If you really are willing and able to be her friend, then show it to her. Say hi to her in class. Ask her how things are going. Share your own life with her. Let things go at their own pace.

Yes, she has a boyfriend. Many girls do. But this has nothing to do with her also being able to have male *friends*, which is what she was trying to do with you. Hopefully you two can rebuild that friendship and enjoy it.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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