Mismatched Sex Drives, and Pornography
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
1. I was snooping thorugh my boyfriend's stuff, which I know is completely wrong, and I found some xrated polaroids of his his ex, in an briefcase in his closet. I'm hurt that he would keep those kind of pictures of his ex. And now I'm worried that he still looks at them.
2. My boyfriend and i have different sex drives. I would have sex everyday if could. He says sex wears him out and doesn't want to have that often. But he looks at online porn and pleasures himself on a regular basis. we only had sex twice in the last month, and he says that i don't initiate enough. i'm too shy to initiate.
It definitely sounds like you guys need to do some talking together. There are a bunch of things going on here so I'll try to untangle them a bit.
First, in general, looking at porn isn't a bad thing. It's a nice, healthy escape, sort of an exercising of your imagination. It's not any worse than having sexy lingerie or sex toys or whatever else you have fun with. But it's supposed to be a way to spice up your current love life - not as a replacement. If he's using these things *instead* of you, he's actively driving a wedge between you two - because you're sitting there frustrated and wanting sex, and he's off enjoying himself sexually without you.
It'd be like if you loved Italian Food and wanted to go out for Pizza and he said no ... but then whenever he could he had pizza with his friends. Yes, in your case it's about sex. But the theory is true about ANY desire in a relationship. Sometimes it's hard to talk about sex because it's a "naughty" topic. But you have to make him realize that it's about sharing and caring for each other - about being there for each other. And yes, sex is the particular issue, but that's not the important part of the issue.
Having pictures of him and his ex on a gondola in Venice would be one thing. That was a part of his past that he enjoyed, and it's not good to simply demolish all traces of a past ex. But I do have to think that having sexually explicit photos of an ex with which to get excited in the present is another issue altogether. When a person has sexual fantasies in a relationship, they're supposed to enhance the current relationship. But to have fantasies about a known person, using pictures of that known person, and to obsess about this known person again drives a big wedge in the current relationship. Because now he is comparing his current partner (you) against that known person, and if he fantasizes about a person (as you probably know) the fantasy is usually larger than life and unrealistic. So there's no way the real human being (i.e. you) can compare against that fantasy. Which meakes the real human being seem less appealing, so making the fantasy even more appealing, etc. etc.
If you're in a sexual relationship with someone, you shouldn't be shy. One of your MAIN important things in a sexual relationship is to be able to clearly say what you want. Otherwise, how does the guy know what to do? Guesswork? So this is really, really key. You have to make it clear what you want, when you want it, what you like. If you haven't been doing this up until now you should start TODAY. He has already said clearly that he wants you to be the aggressor. Lots of guys enjoy this. If you want more sex, go get it! Come up behind him and nibble on his ear. Climb onto his lap. Start kissing his fingers. He's already seen you naked. There's nothing to be shy *about*. You're only hurting yourself by being passive and hoping he chases you.
It's very true that people as they age have limited amounts of energy and if they use it up, they have to recharge. So in many ways all of his energy-using on porn is taking away from what is left over for you. So sit down and talk with him. Say that it's spring. That this is prime time sexual season. Ask for him to go 2 weeks without using other porn - to make your relationship the sexual focus for BOTH of you. That's an extremely reasonable request to make, and as you are currently feeling deprived, if he cares about you he should agree to this. You want him to feed that energy into YOU instead. And in return YOU will be more aggressive and will help fulfill his fantasies in real life. Find out what he would like to try. Make this 2 week a spring celebration of each other. Hopefully after the 2 weeks pass, you'll find a new level of communication and enjoyment has come up between you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com