Getting back with an ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been seeing my ex fiance for a little over 3 months now. We have been taking things very slow, in all aspects, which I know now is for the best. We went on a vacation about 4 weeks ago, and it really brought us closer together, but she also told me she wasnt ready for a relationship even though she told me she loves me, is her happiest when she is with me, loves being with me, and is still strongly physically attracted to me, not to mention believes we are soulmates.

So I kinda told her maybe we need to say good bye for now. But ever since then, she has been a lot more active in making plans with me, has several pictures of us up at her place, and carries a picture of us in her walet. I have not brought up once gonna happen with us, becuase I kind of have just been letting things flow, becuase they seem to be going in a positive direction. This is what I'm thinking..and please tell me if I'm wrong...if I just let it go as its going, and not pressure her, do you think she will just let her walls down, and let us happen? It's almost like we are together, we see eachother almost everyday.

The only thing, we havent down anything sexual..we have only kissed(a real kiss)once in over 3 months. As of now we just peck on the lips for a few seconds. In the beggining, I was ok with it. But I'm only human...and being around the girl I love..and who I am very attracted to is getting to be too much. It's almost like I'm dating a girl for the first time(it's been a over a year since we last had sex)She invited me to sleep over for the first time last week..and we didnt do anything. I'm almost scared to try(even though I think she is waiting for me to try)because I dont want to scare her by thinking we are going to fast. I know she wont make the first move..even when we were together..she'd wait for me to initiate anything. So, do you think I should try something next time?

And do you think I am doing the right thing by kinda just letting things happen..rather then continually bringing it up? Or am I setting myself up for some serious problems? Advice
OK first, she says she's not ready for a relationship. But you guys ARE in a relationship. A relationship is when two people care for each other. You two do. You need to talk to her about *exactly* what she's not ready for yet. Is she not ready to be monogamous? Is she not ready to live with you? Find out what the 'stumbling block' is and what about it concerns her. The only way to move past issues is to really look at them with open eyes.

You told her you needed to say goodbye for now. That doesn't make much sense to me. People don't say "goodbye for now". What does that mean - that someday you might say hello again? That is always true in life! So either you say "goodbye" or you don't. And I don't see why you'd even think about saying goodbye right now. You guys like each other, you enjoy being together, you have fun together, you care for each other. Many people dream about finding someone with which they do those things. So to say goodbye when you have all of those things seems a bit odd. You need to really think about why you would choose to abandon things that seem to be working out well.

You ask if you should pressure her. No relationship should EVER be about pressure. It should be about two people who care for each other, who choose to be with each other, who choose to do things for each other. Pressure should never, ever, be a part of that. If she has concerns, then together the two of you discuss them, figure out what they are, and find ways to address them together.

As far as intimacy goes, how to move along is always a concern in any relationship. Again, it comes down to doing things without pressure. It sounds like you're currently hugging and kissing gently when you see each other. That's great. There's no reason to "leap" into full bore sexual contact. Instead, get a book on back massages and some fragrant oil. Offer to give her a lovely back massage. Ask her to give you a foot massage. Those sorts of things build up your touch comfort levels without being overtly sexual.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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