We're Drifting Apart
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I'm 15 years old, and i have a really good boyfriend who i have been with for 2 months. This is the 2nd time we have been together, as we drifted apart over the last holidays and he cheated on me with one of my friends. This is the past however, and i am more than willing to admit that and try to let it go, although it is difficult. The current issue at hand is my confusion!!
I am always feeling like i am ready to break up with him. I dont think that it is because i dont actually like him, beacuse i am sure i do. He seems reluctant to make any serious moves on me, which also bothers me, because i know about all the stuff he and my friend got up to when they got together. It sometimes feels like he isnt making an effort, and this causes me to find it difficult to bother. As i said, i constantly want to break up with him. If i did i know i would be ripped and so would he.
Maybe i am really lazy, and just cant be bothered sustaining a relationship... which sounds really pathetic. I really do like him, but it seems to be going nowhere, which gets me all confused and looking at other guys. we're good together, but i really dont know what to do - maybe we were better as good friends like before? what do you think? should i stick it out? talk to him? or break it off?
Well first, whatever else you think or feel, be sure you LISTEN to the fact that you're worried about this. You're not happy. You can say you like him, which is fine. But if you have something bothering you, it will eat at you like water torture. So you need to actively address it and fix it, or you have to accept that something is wrong that you're unwilling to fix and call it quits.
OK, so to figure out what is wrong so you can decide what action to take. You want more intimacy out of him. You want more attention out of him. These are all valid issues on your part. So sit down and make a list for yourself of what seems to bother you about the relationship. Don't worry if some things seem silly or meaningless. They all add up to something, and you need to look at them all together.
OK. Now figure out which of the items are really important to you. Let's say intimacy is one of those things. It really bugs you that you aren't getting that from him, for a bunch of reasons.
Now you have something concrete to work on. The MOST MOST important thing with any boyfriend you have is that you can talk to him about your issues. This is important with your current boyfriend and with EVERY boyfriend you will ever have. So if nothing else, look at this as practice in talking about issues. So sit down and talk with him. Don't say "You jerk! You're not intimate enough with me!!" That's a bad idea. Sit down and say "I like you a lot. And it has been making me sad that we don't "X" more." Yes it might seem funny to say it. But you HAVE TO LEARN to do this. Otherwise when even more serious issues come up you won't have practice dealing with them and other relationships will collapse. So use this to practice. You have to be able to talk and say these things!
He might be surprised and think you were afraid of intimacy. He might have other reasons. And you guys can talk about them. But you have to make it CLEAR first that there's an issue. None of this tricking him or sneaking him into things or being deceptive. Guys hate deception. They hate games. They like honesty. So be honest with him and explain what it is that you'd like. And then see if he'll work with you on getting it.
If he refuses, then you know the relationship won't work, but you'll also know that you tried your best.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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