In Love with a Friend

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I've got a friend whom I've really grown to love over the last several months. I've never used the word "love" when talking to her, but I've talked about potentially dating. It was just the most awkward conversation I've ever had. The long and short of it is there's just no chance that we'll be together because as good of friends as we are, she's just not into me.

She's my first love, and I have absolutly no regrets because she's taught me so much, she's practically evolved me as a human being, but I have to accept that there's no romantic future between us. I can accept that, though I've got a lot of little jagged heart pieces to pick up off the ground.

My problem is this friendship is worth saving, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I don't want to dredge this up again, it's not a burden she has to wear. Do I need to have some alone time? Do I need to suck it up and be cool again, and show her this hasn't changed things too much? How can I ensure that this friendship doesn't get trashed? Advice
First, what you went through is VERY VERY common. Just about every great relationship begins with best friends. So the friends had to go through those scary situations where they talk about getting closer than friends. Most of the time it works. Sometimes it doesn't work. And I have to be honest, sometimes when it doesn't work it's because one of the two (i.e. her in this case) has this UNREALISTIC image of what a "lover" should be.

In real life, the very best kind of lover you can have is a best friend. Someone you can trust. Someone who you can talk to. Someone who is there for you and cares for you. But in our MTV-society, people get these TV images of suave, sword-wielding powerful lovers. So some people get this bizarre notion that a FRIEND is fine and good but a LOVER must be different. In fact some people think a LOVER should not talk to you because that's unromantic!!!

In any case, those people learn their lessons pretty quickly (and usually quite harshly) but in the meantime there are friends who would be PERFECT for them who get ignored. That could be you.

So it depends why she's not wanting to hook up with you. If you guys are great friends, really that is the perfect basis for a relationship. So it might be some strange mental image she has of "What My Lover Will Look Like". In a few years she'll realize that looks are pretty meaningless, that we all age and change, and that friendship is the thing that lasts the years.

In the meantime though, stay great friends with her. Friendship is very valuable in this world and is always worth cherishing. Yes, you love her. Friends are supposed to love each other! And yes it'd be nice if you could ALSO kiss her and such. But you can't. There is enough unrequited love in the world that you're in good company on that one. Cherish her love, stay her friend, and see what the future brings.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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