I can't lose him, yet don't know if I can marry a cold fish.
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I just found your site, and i LOVE it...
That being said, perhaps you can shed new light on an on-going, seemingly unresolvable problem. My fiancee' and I were engaged 6 months ago, after purchasing a house together. We've been together 2 years. We have gone to see a counselor for this...but he just listens, nods, and collects his check. I will call him "J". J and I have an intimacy problem. He isn't one for touching, or contact to show love. He does things for me. I can't complain...this man is the best thing that's ever happened to me...however, I'm very affectionate, and when I go over and hug him...it's like hugging a post! He has a difficult time returning just a touch. He at least holds my hand, now, without walking beside me like a brother. We've talked about it to the point where I think he feels like he can't make me happy because he is incapable of giving me what I need. I think a simple touch, arm around me, hug, hand on my knee... simple closeness is not out of line, and would think that if you love someone...it's automatic. SO... this issue has triggered a major depression. I feel unattractive, which then makes me very insecure with him, then a depression like i've never known! I've gained 10lbs this past 6 months..and that adds gas to the fire, I then dislike me!! PLEASE HELP! I desperately LOVE this man, and we're getting married Valentine's day. But I can't live with his level of affection and be happy. When I try to concentrate on accepting and loving him as-is. I get resentful because he LOVES the attention I shower on him. He's spoiled! EVERYTHING ELSE IS PERFECT. It all just makes the tears come, because I can't lose him, yet don't know if I can marry a cold fish.
=0( Help me...please?
You've gone to a professional counselor with no results.
I am no professional by any means, but will give you my impressions.
The first is more of a question. You say "Everything else is perfect." That could lead me to believe that you sex life is perfect, but I doubt it. How could such a cold fish do that? Let's assume your sex life isn't ok.
Have you tried telling him what to do? Walk up to him and tell him to put his arms around you. In the car tell him to reach over and put his hand on your knee. Or perhaps you could simply move his arms and hands for him. This is not what you want, but it could be a beginning.
It is unlikely that you haven't tried anything I might think of. He must not have gotten any affection as a child and that's why he is the way he is. Small consolation to you though. Does he smile at you? Tell him to do that "right now."
I wonder whether getting married would improve him or make him worse. Whose idea was it to get married?
You definitely have a problem on your hands and I wish you well in trying to sort it out.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com