Taking it Easy
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My girlfriend and I just got back together after we took a break from the relationship. There were issue we both had with each other that were completely resolved. We are now happier than ever. But she still says she needs her space and wants to take things slower than before. She is a nursing student and is always studying and sometimes doesn't have time to see me. The reason we broke up was because it was getting to intense for her. I am a very intense and passionate person when it comes to building on a relationship. How can I personally tone the intensity of it down and give her space but still spend quality time with her. I sometimes feel like calling her several times a day and instant messaging her also. But I don't, I just want to be able to tone my intensity down. Please help
Every one of us has a different level of intensity which is natural for our character. Some people are very snuggly. Some are very hands-offish. Some like to be in contact constantly. Some just like occasional touches. Part of the complexity in any relationship is managing things so both people are very happy.
The ideal solution of course would be to find someone perfectly suited for you. If you are very cuddly, and you found someone who was also very cuddly, you would both be on Cloud 9 and feel perfect. If you were very cuddly and dated someone who was very anti-touch, yes you could arrange things so you only touched them enough to not overwhelm them. But they would probably still feel over-touched, and you would feel under-touched, so it's not an ideal match.
If you really do want things to work out with this unbalanced relationship, then you have to continually negotiate what works well for you both. Talk is key. Talk constantly about how you both like things. Yes, she wants to have her space. But her desire for space should be equally ranked with your desire for contact. She shouldn't get the entire relationship her way. That's not how a relationship works. Both people should care fully and equally for the other person's happiness and find compromises that work out. So yes, trying to cut down contact to make her happier is fine. But she should also be INCREASING contact on her side to make you happy.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com