Getting a Girl Interested in Life

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I really have a huge crush on a tuition friend. We've been talking online recently [about a couple months]. She's uninterested in school and life. She's in the third class at school. How do I get her interested in life? She's the shy type. Advice
One of the most important things to learn about life is that you can't and shouldn't change people. It's very, very common for one person to look at another and say "She's be happy if only ..." and try to change that person. There are millions of examples of why that fails. People are happy if THEY wish to be happy. People who are unhappy, and who marry thinking "Marriage will make me happy" are just as unhappy afterwards. Happiness comes from within - it comes from you as a person enjoying your hobbies, enjoying what you can in life, regardless of the situation. There are enough people who are poor and happy, who are handicapped and happy, who are single and happy, to prove that a "thing" can't make you happy. In many cases, getting that "thing" just means you find something else to be upset about.

So you can't make her happy. Period. SHE has to make her happy. So she needs to figure out what makes her happy. Is it horses? Is it badmitton? Is it rock music? Everybody has something in life that can make them happy. And everybody has the ABILITY to be happy. Some people choose to be happy. Others choose to wallow in guilt or angst or suffering or whatever. If she likes a quiet, non active life, who are you to say that she *should* be different and that being different would make her happy? Maybe she is content now, and an active life would stress her out.

So in any case, the only way she will be happy is if she chooses to be happy and if she actively makes an effort to follow paths that please her particular make-up. You can try to encourage her to do those things - finding out her hobbies, helping her get started in them. But in the end if it's you always pushing her, that's not good at all. And she could in fact resent you for pushing her. In the end, it's up to her, and it's very important for you to realize and accept that.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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