Finding Dates if you're a Lesbian

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
If you are a do you find someone? I work at a restaraunt with alot of cute girls...I find myself really shy around them. How do you know if a girl is bi or lesbian? Advice
That's definitely one of those tough things about being gay. With boy-girl relationships it's hard enough, you have all the worries about what they think and how they'll react and so on. When you're gay it's doubly nerve-wracking, because now you have the worry of a straight person being offended that you're asking them. Which is really silly if you think about it. Everyone wants to be told they're handsome or pretty or smart or fun. Why should it matter if a boy tells you that or a girl? If it's not your style you say "thanks, but I'm not interested". The offer should still make them feel good about themselves.

But anyway. As we know, real life is rarely that rational and some people react badly to gays because they aren't sure about their own sexuality and worry about being 'swayed'. So you have a good desire to try to figure out if they're gay/bi or not before making that advance.

I guess the short answer is there's no way to just "know". That's how 5% to 10% of the population is gay right now and many people don't even know who around them IS gay. Most people have at least one or two gay friends and don't even know it. Gay people talk the same, walk the same, dress the same, act the same as straight people. Sure, there are some people who like to be "swishingly gay" but to say that's typical would be as bad as saying the ghetto-gangster-rapster is a "typical black male". So now what.

Most gay people I know find the gay bars and hangouts in their town or area and visit them occasionally if not frequently. It's a great way to find out who IS gay in your area. It's not just that the people are there in those walls - it's that you build up a network of friends. You learn friends of friends, who is dating who. You also get your own name out there 'in the network' as someone who accepts female interest. So now if one of those girls in the restaurant is interested, she knows about you - and if you hear her name come up, you know about her. That's really your best bet.

You can of course try the slow, gradual approach but at some point you cross a line where you show you want to be more than friends. And unfortunately with some straight people, this is where the straight person gets upset and handles it badly. So I would try for the 'gay hangout' angle first, to hook up with people who definitely are interested.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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