i know that too much fighting is horrible, and leads to break ups

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female

hi thank you very much for your time. me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost 2 years now, but for the past 6 months, we have been fighting way too much. and usually over stupid things that don't even matter. and i know there are lots of postings on stupid fights and arguments, but i think my issue is toooo over the edge i need help right now... so please help me. after fighting for a long time, my bf used to break up with me, then after he comes back and tells me that he can't lose me and he loves me... but then yesterday he broke up with me, he was crying, because he doesn't want to do it, buh he thinks that this is the only way for both of us to be happy. he told me that he is not happy, and he would like to try again, but scared we might fight again and hurt me more. and i asked him if he wants to be with me he says yes, BUT this fighting has gone too far... then he says that he loves me so much and he won't be happy either way. i just don't understand because he doesn't seem to know... and i have been noticing changes in him, when we hang out its not the same anymore, he is less affectionate towards me, and he told me that sometimes i am clingy... i don't understand because i thought if you have been going out with someone for almost 2 years, its normal to be around each other, and he should appreciate that... i asked him if hes tired of me, he said yes, because we fight.and hes feelings toward me changed because we fight so much. i knwo that too much fighting is horrible, and leads to break ups, but if he loves me so much why would he even think of that?... yes lots of times ive felt like hating him, but i never thought of doing that he told me that i am stronger than him, i don't give up... i am so confused, and today he came up to me and told me that he wants me and he can't lose me, and if we don't fight and bicker all the time anymore, then he wants to be with me. he he says that fighting is why, and other things just come casually because we fight so much over stupid things. i mean i feel like ive always looked at his direction, loving him, not gettin tired of him, not thinking his clingy, wanted to be closer to him as years went on. but it seems like for him its the opposite... i also questioned him that..."are you saying that because you truely love me, or you love our past?" he said i don't know if you put it that way... his decisions rock back and forth, i have no idea now. i told him that i respect his wishes, and im giving him more time to think about gettin back together. i love him with all my heart... i would like your help... what you think his feelings are... does it seem like his feelings toward me faded away? and if we DID get back together, how should we go about gettin the "flame of excitement and being together" spark light up? is it possible?

also i don't want to seem too available for him,... always making him think that he can break up with me and get back together, but he knows how i feel towards our break up... what should i do? just act normal? defend myself and tell him that i wasn't being clingy, i chose to be clingy to show that i care more fight after fight: but i don't think that should make him get annoyed of me, me who he has beein dating for 2 years...

thank you so much for your time, i tried my best to not write a novel.. but i think i did.... thank you and i appreciate your help.. i am soo confused about his love... if you can please help me! thank you! -c*

RomanceClass.com Advice
If you would stop fighting things would be fine.

That's what you should be trying to mend... the fighting.

You have to start off agreeing that this is the problem and you both are committed to ending the fighting.

Once you agree to that, develop some tactics to short circuit the fighting. For example if either of you sense a fight developing give the other person a physical sign such as Spock's fingers, or a peace sign, or a triangle made out of your thumbs and index fingers. Then the other person has to return the sign.

Some people like to fight or they saw it their whole life at home and it seems natural. So it might not be easy to stop. But you must try it!

Good luck!

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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