My ex cheated and left but is now chasing me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Before I ask for advice, let me give you some background info on the situation. First off I started dating this guy who I work with in Oct. My boss discourages inner relationships in the office, but since I'm the receptionist, she said it was ok for me to date people from the office. We just had to keep our relationship low key, and not let anyone in the office know. We did a great job of that, him in particular. Things were going great for the first few weeks, but he's a workaholic, and I really tried to put up w/ his crazy work hours. We wouldn't hang out till sometimes midnight. But he made me so happy, and he alwayz told me that feeling was reciprocated.
I knew from the get go that this new girl ZZZ liked my guy, but he told me he didnt even have feelings for her after I told him how she told me she liked him. Well come, Thanksgiving, I found out that the two of them made out that night. I was sooo upset, but I know ZZZ sometimes stretches the truth so I kept it to myself all day. I found out later that night that it was true. I didnt even know what to say, I was in shock so I just forgot about it.
However, things got worse, and I finally told him that he should tell ZZZ that he had a gf, he didnt have to say my name. Well eventually, one night I called him and he just basically told me that he didnt have feelings for me anymore. It was 2 days before new years. I still had to work w/ him it was really tough. I thought about quitting but didnt, I had to be strong. It's now almost 2 months later, and it seems that my feelings just wont go away. I know exactly why too.
Since our breakup, we have told ZZZ how we were going out while they made out, she felt horrible, and drug it on for awhile that she felt played by both of us. But I realized that it wasn't our fault that we couldn't tell her, it was forbidden. My ex comes to work and almost everyday he flirts like crazy for me. For the 3 weeks to a month after we broke up he would call me and stuff and make sure I was ok, and he hardly ever called when we went out. Now, it's hard for me at work lately, because I try to forget him, but he keeps flirting like crazy w/ me. Sometimes, there are times that we're chatting and we just both look dead into each other's eyes and i can see so much, he's told me how he knows he missed out, and not to mention on Valentine's Day he told me that he loves me, and it seems to come up in an awful lot of occasions. Also, he takes my hands and holds them sometimes, he's alwayz telling me how beautiful I look, and hugging me and stuff.
Just yesterday he had a marker fight w/ me, he was putting his arms around me and everything, makin me laugh. He just always seems to find a way to touch me. Now, call me crazy but to me this sounds like he still has feelings for me, and he is the one who told me that he didnt. Can you tell me what you think of the situation and also how you think I can handle this?
I'll agree that it's not YOUR fault that the other woman didn't know about you two. You were not making it public. Really your relationship is your own business and there is no NEED to go broadcasting it around anywhere at all. However, your ex was in a relationship with you and therefore had a commitment to you. For him to be making out with another woman is betraying that commitment, period. It doesn't matter if he could or could not tell the other woman that he was dating you. It matters that he WAS dating you and should not have been doing things with her. He didn't need a "reason". He HAD a reason, and that reason was you. So for him to betray you, and then not even tell you, is destroying the trust you two had.
It sounds like the other woman was displeased with him and his cheating, as well she should be. If he was happy to cheat on you, he would be equally happy to cheat on her when something better came along. So it sounds like she got out of that relationship to find someone more trustworthy. And now he's alone and he sees you're still there and are open to his advances. So he's in full fledged flirtation mode with you again.
I would think about this seriously before going into it again. You were with this guy before. He had no qualms about hopping over with another woman when things looked good with her and doing it behind your back. Maybe he's learned a lesson since then ... but maybe he hasn't. Yes, he is attracted to you, but he was before too, and he found it easy enough to transfer affections when something new caught his eye.
If you really want to try at this, you need to sit down and have a long talk with him. Talk to him about the betrayal, the lack of trust. Get him to explain what was going on in his head and how he feels things would be different now. It's up to you if you trust him or not, but he has to make an active effort to show he is trustworthy now.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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