My Ex keeps Calling Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi, I am a 22 yr old girl and have been going out with this guy for the past 4 years, he is 20. We split up recently but he still calls and he wants me back. Half of me wants to be with him and the other half knows that he is not right for me. I still do love and care for him and sometimes think that I should get back together with him but then I think "What if My feelings change in a few weeks". He is still quite immature in a lot of ways and I am afraid of hurting his feelings. I am very confused.... What should I do ? How can I overcome this ? Advice
If you went out for that long and broke up, something must have been rather seriously mismatched between you two. People don't leave happy situations just "because" - the massive change and restructuring that goes on isn't worth it. So it sounds like he just isn't accepting whatever was wrong between you two and can't find any closure.

Breakups are always hard and the loneliness always seems far worse than the relationship was at first. But you went INTO that loneliness because you just couldn't live with the relationship. And believe me, relationships don't fix themselves or just get better. If after 4 years you hit an issue you couldn't talk through and resolve, it was probably something serious.

Give it another week or two, give yourself time to start getting through all the emotions and feelings. It's always easy to fall back into the relationship rather than be alone - and then you break up all over again because the issues are all still there. And plus, now you've shown each other that you're willing to leave when it gets bad which means future breakups are sort of easier and easier. So give yourself time to start healing first.

Closure is definitely important, so when a week or two have passed, I wouldn't turn him down if he wanted to have dinner together in a restaurant - somewhere public. Talk about just what wasn't right about in the relationship - not in a "you were bad!" way but in a "this was an issue that we just couldn't find a solution to." He might try to start thinking up solutions. But really, if you couldn't find solutions over 4 years of being together, probably you would have tried whatever would have worked. It's more than you need to accept that a lot of dating is trying out what works and doesn't work. You have to assume that you have a lot of missed attempts before you finally figure out a combination that is a good one. And it's not that you guys were awful together - you had many good qualities. Now you know what to look for in a partner - and you can still stay friends with each other and appreciate the things you do have in common.

Many people who date in your age range stay friends for life, staying close even while you go on to marry others. That close friendship can be incredibly important through your entire life. So don't think of it as losing each other. Think of it as accepting each other for what you are - treasuring what does mesh well, and realizing that somewhere out there is someone who is the perfect *partner*, even though you guys are great *friends*.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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