Drawing her Close or Driving her Away?
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
please help me here. theres this girl in my school, and i KNOW i luv her. It all started a year and a half ago. we were very friendly to each other, we had fun and we laughed together and enjoyed talkin. then the summer break came and we got seperated. during this time, i realized how i felt about her, and as soon as the break ended, i asked her out. i said i really liked her, and then said if shed go out with me, she told me that she likes me too, but wasnt ready to date yet. somehow, i feel that this is a lie, but being a kind and friendly girl that she is, i think she said it to avoid hurting me. i know this is a lie because her best friend, who is a friend of mine told me so and ive seen the signs for myself.
after she rejected me, i learned that perhaps i moved to quickly and wasnt ready yet. i immidieatly decided to work on fixin our relationship and building up a friendship. however, things have changed recently, she used to like me a year ago, but now seems more distant, she wouldnt talk to me too much, i had to talk to her myself and even then she seems a lil reluctant to talk. And it got worse, im starting to feel her resentment towards me. She is a kind and talking girl, but for some reason, she seems to be untrusting of my motives and me. she seems a lil annoyed, but she never says it to my face. she never sits near me in school, and also, when i sat next to her, she got up and said casually that she didnt like the seating spot. there was clearly nuthin wrong with the seatin spot, she was near her friends and everything, i think the reason she moved away was becasue i was too close.
this really showed how much she dislikes me, but tries to hide it. she never smiles at me anymore like she used to, she never has eye contact with me, and shys away when im too close. but i dunno what i have done wrong. i never insulted her, or acted mean to her, ive been trying to make her happy and compliment her, but it doesnt work. the gap between us is supposed to be getting smaller, but it seems to be getting wider everytime i do sumthin.
why is this happenin, is it because im loud, or flirt alot, or is it that i seem untrustworthy, i dunno, i really have no idea why this is happening. i feel that as much as i love her, she HATES me and wants me gone from her life. can u tell me whats wrong, what can i do to fix this...please...i need help
I doubt that she hates you, but it sounds like she is definitely feeling uncomfortable around you for some reason. It might be that she heard something untrue about you from someone else, or that she really isn't interested in dating right now but feels like she is being persued by you. Some girls just don't feel like dating when they're at a certain age. And if she doesn't want to date, and then she has you "chasing" her all the time it can be almost scary. Sure you just want to be near her. But you told her you wanted to date her and then kept "chasing" her ... so it's sort of like being stalked.
Think of her as a bird, and you a cat. She, the bird, is just happy being alive and around friends. She doesn't want the pressures of dating yet. You, the cat come along and say you want that next step, and she says no. But then the cat keeps circling and circling and circling and it makes her uncomfortable. All she can think of when she sees you is "he wants to date me" and it sort of gets to her.
In any case, the only way to solve miscommunications is to deal with them somehow. I'd step back for a while and let her regain her calm and not be antsy when you're around. Give it say a month. Then I would give her a note. Normally I'd say to do things face to face - it's always better - but in this case it sounds like we need to rebuild your face-to-face trust.
So write a note talking about how you *used* to talk together back when you were great friends. That a lot of time has passed since then and a lot of things have happened. But that you'd like to start fresh, because you miss that.
Hopefully at that point she'll have had time alone to think about things, and with your note it gives her the ability to read it in quiet, think about it, again without any pressure. Give her your email in it so she can respond when SHE is ready. And don't pressure her or go after her in between - show her that you're patient. I think if you give her time and are patient and show her that you care but aren't going to chase her, that she'll give you another chance.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com