My Dream Guy ... or is he?
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I have been dating this guy for 6 & 1/2 months. We met over the summer and have a long distance relationship. He has been my "dream man" forever, we didnt really know each other until we met, he's a wrestler (my age) & I had been a fan of his dad since I was little and also of his when I first heard of him. Since a couple years ago we had emailed a few times, but had a mutual friend who introduced us over the summer. I have liked him though for about 5 years.
We dont talk on the phone often, and our email and live chat patterns are fickle, as in sometimes we talk almost every day, others we go up to a week or two with only a few times writing to eachother. Hes very busy, and I have things going on as well. I feel cheated sometimes tho like I am not getting everything I should out of the relationship. There are a lot of things that bother me about it at times, a relationship without the distance is hard enough, you would think that with it you would try extra hard to make it work. But anyway I wont get into more details, I will just say my question.
I have a lot of things going on in my life, Im about to turn 18, so I have a lot more going on that I look forward to than before. I feel that my relationship with him gets in the way of my focus, and I just wish that I could like go to see him sporadically without the pressure of "going to see him" and like be able to do all the things I want without feeling emotionally involved with him.
We plan to have sex with eachother next time we're together, and I wanna do it with him. Sometimes I feel that the only reason I want to stay in a relationship with him is because I want to lose my virginity to him, alot of it because I liked him for so long before we met and how he had always been my like "fantasy" guy. It was just so amazing to me when he said he wanted to go out, because I couldnt believe how perfect it worked out. It was like it was meant to be. And I am really attracted to him.
I guess mine & his problem is communication. We're so far apart I sometimes wonder how he feels and I dont always express the exact way I feel like when I am pissed or upset with something he did (or didnt do). We have fun when we talk to eachother.
I already broke up with him last October, because I was unsure about the distance thing. But we got back together that same month. He hasnt told any of his friends or family that he goes out with someone because he doesnt like people knowing about his relationships. I have told friends here though because I talk about issues I may be having with the relationship, or just when I am happy about stuff.
I guess my question is just, what should I do? Keep him or dump him? I like him, might love him, we say I love you sometimes but we're not like in love. I havent really had a boyfriend before, just a lot of guys I "dealt with" and he has only had 1 other relationship, which didnt go very far. I know this wont last forever, I just dont want to end it prematurely because I couldnt find a way to deal with things. Any advice? I wish I could give more detail but it would take awhile to type I guess. If your advice person could write back with like questions that I could answer about the relationship that would help me too.
I know very, very well what it's like to have a dream guy. It can seem so amazing when you actually get to be with him, and you want things to go like you always have dreamed they would. But in the end reality always interferes. Reality is after all real. Dreams are great when they are in your head, or in the movies, but that's not the way real life is. That's why people have 'fantasies' that they play with, and then settle back down to the reality that is what their life is based on.
I know this is your dream, and I know it seems like a dream come true to lose your virginity with him. But if anything, your virginity should be a very, VERY real thing. It should be lost with someone who really understands you, who talks to you, in essence to your best friend. Virginity is a once in a lifetime thing, and it is an incredibly intimate thing. I know it's hard to think about when you lose it, but it is really something that you remember for the rest of your entire life. And the whole emotions surrounding it can be very special, if you're with someone who you understand completely. But if you're with someone who is much more superficial, it can be a great disappointment. They don't understand you or what you're feeling and they aren't there for the weeks and months afterwards as you feel so different.
It's one thing to have a fun guy around, or a dream guy. They definitely have a place in life. But for relationships and for virginity and making love, you want to find a best friend - someone who is *there* for you. It really makes all of the difference in the world. If I were you, I would keep dreaming of this guy ... but I would wait for a real love for my virginity.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com