My Boyfriend is Signing Up for Dating Services
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years...in the beginning he cheated on me, but has been faithful for the past year and a half. Recently, he has been looking at porn online and setting up profiles at online dating services (he doesn't know that I know this). I don't know if I should trust him. What do I do?
If it had just been on line porn I would have said to let it slide. Lots of guys (and girls too) enjoy looking at porn, and looking at it on line is really no better or worse than getting Playboy or watching dirty movies.
But actively setting up profiles in on line dating services is QUITE another matter. It's not like he's just going on to 'look at the pictures'. He's planning on actively making contact with people. If he wants friends, that should be something you BOTH do together. And there are many places to look for friends besides a place where people are solely interested in hooking up.
You need to read the how-to I have on the site about how to have a serious talk. Lay the scene and make it as talk-friendly as possible. And then tell him you KNOW that he is setting up these profiles and that you want to save the relationship now before it's too late. Undoubtedly if he's already dishonest enough to do this behind your back, he'll have all sorts of excuses and reasons. You have to be ready for this and let them slide. Tell him it's not appropriate, period. There aren't any excuses. A relationship is about honesty, trust, and openly working on and caring for each other. If he is actively looking to make new contacts behind your back, he's violating everything a relationship is about.
Then find out if he really thinks he can work on YOUR relationship and focus on that, or if he has some sort of big issue that he isn't dealing well with. Either he talks to you about what is going on and if he is capable of being with you, or he's really not in the relationship with you.
If he insists this is normal and fine and you're the one strange to be upset, then I'd really go into couples therapy with him. If he says he's still wanting to work on the relationship, then let him tell that to a professional and see what they say. Maybe if he hears it from an unbiased 3rd person it will sink in. But he has to make up his mind soon. There is NO way you should stay in the relationship if he's actively out betraying you. It doesn't get better if someone is lying and betraying you - the more they do it, the more they think it's normal and fine and the less you can trust them.
Sorry you're in this situation, it's really not a fun one. But hang in there, and good luck. At least it's only been 2 years - if he's really seriously unable to be honest with you, it's better to know now and find someone more deserving of you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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