Romancing the Girl

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I need help I have been going out with my girlfriend for 2 years now, I want to marry her but there's a problem, actually three. 1) I need to know If I am too calm, Sometimes she gets a b it angry because even if we have an argument I never yell at her I dont even raise my voice from my normal tone, she thinks i'm just blowing her off, she doesnt yell but she does raise her voice, I know that if I rose my voice nothing would be acomlished how do I tell her this ?
2) As I mentioned perviously I want to marry her, but I think she might be bored with me, I do many romantic things for her I leave her roses and rose petals on the bed, call her at work to tell her I love her, write her poetry, sometimes even things like renting a boat and watching the stars out on the lake or planning a weakend gettaway just for the two of us. She really likes this kind of stuff but I feel bad because I know she wishes I could be more passionate, I'm not the kind to just walk into the office and sweep her off her feet and start making love. I'm spontenous enough but not wild.
3)I'm not very good at pleasing her physically I like to kiss her but I don't think she enjoys it, and even though I love her so and she is beautiful I never really feel like making love to her, and when we do make love I know I'm not doing a good job, what should I do ? Advice
First, it's INCREDIBLY GOOD that you don't yell. Lots of kids grow up with parents that yell and scream. This is NOT NORMAL. They then think this is normal and worry if their relationship doesn't have it. A good relationship does not involve yelling!! Most people are THRILLED to finally find someone that doesn't yell. Your girlfriend doesn't realize how good she has it. A mature relationship is about working things out, it is NOT about yelling at all.

Second, romance is king!! It sounds like your girlfriend is reading lots of romance novels where thrilling passion happens daily. In real life, the lust fades pretty quickly, and is replace with love and romance. Again, most couples complain that the romance fades. Your romance is going strong. Your girlfriend needs to appreciate the romance you provide, and not worry about the lust/passion side. Lust is what teenagers have in the first weeks of a relationship. Romance and love is what sustains adults over years and years of a relationship.

Finally, making love isn't a job. It's an intimate pleasuring of two individuals. No individual can ever "know" how to please someone else without communicating. Sure some people might practice a lot so they can guess well. But in the end it is about ONE individual and ANOTHER individual. Everybody is unique! So make it a serious point to learn exactly what she enjoys. Don't just assume. Ask her, do you like this? How about this? Tell her to TELL YOU what she likes. This isn't something you can learn from a book or a website. Believe me, something that one person LOVES, another person HATES. You need to find out what she individually really really likes. And ONLY she can tell you.

Good luck!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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