Missing my True Love
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am 22 years old now and I've had this problem for a little over five years, I can't forget a girl from my high school days I always wanted to date her but she was never interested so I gave up. Shortly after she moved away and I was in an immense amount of pain, I felt I would never get over it but assumed that was just my emotions getting the best of me. and here 5 years later I still cry as much as I did back then, I am termed by most a loner and i've never had a problem with that but whenever I think about her I realize she is the only person I ever felt close to and would openly share secrets with. I don't know why I haven't been able to move on(please dont just say move on because I cant do it so easily ive tried very hard to forget her, but in vein) Whenever I am out in public with a friend and he sees a hot girl he might make a comment and I'll play along and pretend to get hot and bothered over her, but the truth is I can't see anyone else except the girl from my high school days. I would be considered by most to be atleast fairly good looking and I've had a few offers for dates and even to sleep with girls but the offers dont interest me at all(I'm not gay or bi i am straight) I've tried looking at porn to get me reinterested in girls but I still have almost no drive to date or sleep with them. I don't understand why I can't get over her I think abot her daily and still have dreams about her at night. Despite all the psychology classes I have taken I am unable to formulate a solution to my troubles, I have always been able to help anyone else with their relationship problems and they are amazed at how I've helped them but why then can't I help myself ? I'd tell my friends but they likely wouldnt understand and even if they did It wouldnt help me if everything else ive tried over the last 5 years has failed. I guess the bottom line is, is there anything I can do to move on? I feel as though that girl was my true love but I know i'll never see her again. I wish I could finally move on and at least learn to date other girls, maybe then I could learn to be romantic again. Please help me I'm miserable everyday, I need someway to find respite and eventually sanctuary from my past.
Well, first, true love really does take a long time to get over. I lived with a guy for a year that I felt was my true love. I have now lived with someone else for 7 years, but I still do think about that True Love guy and feel pain about our breakup. So nobody can tell you what is right about getting over someone. It takes time, and your time to get over it can be different from anybody else.
That being said, our lives do go on. In life there are a certain type of people that are "really well matched". There is definitely not just "ONE SINGLE PERSON". There are a group of people that meet your ideal type. And because you change over the years, that ideal type can actually change over time. So although it may be hard for you to consider this, if you met that Perfect Girl right now, she is most probably no longer your perfect girl. You have changed a HUGE amount in the last 5 years (tho you might not really realize it). So what was perfect for you at age 17 is not perfect for you at age 22. Just as if you had a perfect date at age 12. That 12 year old girl would probably not be perfect for you at age 17. Everybody ages differently. And also, a lot of what we see in others as perfect is just our own projections. If we got past all of the wishes and fantasies and saw their true, day-in-day-out personalities, they would be far more human and less "perfect". Nobody is perfect.] Everybody has flaws.
So anyway. You are now 22. You've spent 5 years perfecting this image in your mind of this girl who is probably a real human being with many flaws and faults and doesn't belong on a pedestal. And by keeping this image on a pedestal you're probably not considering really great women who ARE near you and who would be great for you. They're just not perfect, since perfection doesn't exist in the world. You need to figure out what you want in reality now, and where you can find it.
Many colleges depend on parties and bars. Really, you can't meet anyone good there. Figure out your interests. Do you like poetry? Jazz music? Mountain biking? Go out and actively persue your interests. You'll run into women who share those interests, and you'll find someone perfect for you in your current levels. Good luck!!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com