My Girlfriend is Obsessed
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been dating a girl for over two years, since my junior year of high school (We're both in college now). Throughout our relationship most of our arguements have been over how much time to spend with each other.
My girlfriend wants me to spend all of my time with her, to the point that most friends I have at college are through her. I think that it's good to spend time together, but I also see no problems with being in a few student organizations apart from one another. I also like to go camping occasionally and she doesn't like to.
This wasn't as much of a problem before college, but now I have no restrictions (family, work, ect.) keeping me from being with her 24 hours a day. She says that it's time for me to commit, and that I should not want to do anything that doesn't involve her. I still think that moderation is key, even for married couples. Who is right here?
Wow, she definitely needs to take a step back!! A relationship is NOT NOT about one person solely being with the other, having no other friends, interests, hobbies or activities. That's the surest way to destroy any relationship!! It is about two INDIVIDUALS who both are happy, complete, with interests and activities, who CHOOSE to spend time with each other. If they share interests, that's great! But you each still need time on your own, friends of your own, nights out on your own, interests of your own.
A relationship is not about one of you being a leech and clinging to the other and ignoring the entire rest of the world. That is incredibly unhealthy.
It sounds like she's incredibly jealous and she worries that anything that involves you not being "under her watchful gaze" is a potential risk to her relationship. It also sounds like she thinks you should be her possession and always locked up nearby so that you can't do something out of her control. Neither of those is a healthy way to look at things.
I would tell her that yes, you want a commitment too - a healthy one. Suggest that given your history of not being able to come to an agreement on this issue, that sitting down with a therapist would be a wonderful idea. That way you can both present your concerns, and the therapist can help you find compromises. Most women would be thrilled at the opportunity to go talk to someone about the relationship, and hopefully any reasonable therapist will take one look at what your girlfriend is demanding of you and be able to set her straight - in an unbiased manner that she might respect and listen to.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com